Safe Haven
by rockbandstar
Summary: No more running, no more pretending, and no more lying. That's the promise Rachel Berry makes to herself the day she gets the news. The thing about making promises, though, is that you never forsee the unexpected. Full summary inside.
1. Prologue

**Safe Haven**

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_**No more running, no more pretending, and no more lying. That's the promise Rachel Berry makes to herself the day she gets the news. The thing about making promises, though, is that you never forsee the unexpected. In a single moment, two lives are altered and a life changing decision is made.**_

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**Prologue**

**"_None of us knows what the next change is going to be, what unexpected opportunity is just around the corner, waiting a few months or a few years to change all the tenor of our lives."- Kathleen Norris._**

The snow drifted softly to the ground as the young girl trudged through the slick streets towards her destination. The biting chill of the wind cut through her thin clothes and forced her to pull the bundle in her arms tighter to her chest. She listened to the small whimper and fought back her own tears, pushing forward.

"Shhh," she whispered as the cold air burned her throat and lungs, "we're almost there."

Growing up she never imagined her life would end up like this, never imagined the cruelty and pain and fear and loneliness. Then again, there are so many things they don't tell you as a little girl. They don't tell you that life is nothing like the books that were read to you as a child; there is no prince charming, no happily ever after. They also don't tell you that people only look out for themselves; the world is far much more cruel and unkind than is even fathomable to imagine.

She was wiser now, though. And she knew it all.

The tall building loomed in front of her, the final destination for the bundle in her arms. She stopped just a short block away, her eyes stinging from the cold and looked down at the pink blanket letting her tears fall and freeze to her cheeks.

"I know that this may be hard to understand," her words caught in her throat and she choked back her emotion. "But I pray that one day you will." She laid a gentle kiss against the cloth, her face snuggling into the tiny ball of warmth before she trekked the last block.

The electronic doors swung open and she was hit with a burst of heat that made her face sting and her eyes water. Taking a deep breath and willing back the tears, she stepped inside. The lobby was filled with people bustling about their day. A small desk to her left offered pamphlets and information. Another offered directions.

She bypassed them all, making her way to the right walking past the coffee shop and gift shop before stopping in front of an open office door. A young girl sat at the desk, shuffling paperwork as she hummed along to the festive music. Her heart lurched in her chest as she looked at the sign next to the door.

_Dr. Elijah Berry – Pediatrician._

She walked into the office and up to the desk, feeling her stomach drop as the girl set her paperwork aside and smiled at her kindly.

"Hello, may I help you?" the girl questioned.

Her nametag stood out against the brightness of her childlike top, the black letters etched into the white sticker. "Yes, Rachel," she replied softly, "I think you can."

She lifted up the pink bundle, her heart breaking in her chest. She held her small baby girl out, placing the pink bundle into Rachel's arms. She fought back the tears and the overwhelming sense of dread as the young secretary looked on with confusion on her face.

"Tell her I'm sorry and that I love her," she whispered as she took one last long look at the swaddled baby.

And then, she ran.

#

There's something about the way the rain falls and splatters against the ground, the monotonous nature of the whole thing, which brings her peace even in her most troubled of times. The irony of it all is not lost on her. When she feels like she's drowning, when she struggles to keep her head above the waves that seem to crash down around her, water is what comforts her.

Rachel stands with her face turned towards the sky, the droplets tumbling against her skin and she breathes in the moment. It seems like lately all she does is go through the motions of the day. She idly wonders if anyone can truly see how lost and alone she feels; a small girl set adrift in a big city. She doesn't think they can because if they do, what does that say about the people she surrounds herself with. What does it say about humanity in general? She tells herself that she's just that good of an actress and sometimes she believes it.

She stays outside until her fingers start to prune and her body is shaking from the chill of the wind. Her tears have mingled with the water that litters her clothes and skin. She feels refreshed, renewed. Only then does she force herself to move.

The dorm is bustling with people getting ready to head home. She watches her fellow classmates as they lug suitcases and boxes full of presents on and off the elevator and finds herself thinking about how different this year's Hanukah is going to be. Before she can really contemplate it, the elevator dings and she squeezes her way off.

Standing outside of her door, she uses her sleeve to brush the tear streaks away and forces a smile on her face. Her two roommates will be inside; each of them sitting on their beds, oblivious to the way her world is crashing down around her. Every fiber within her wants to keep it that way.

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**A few things...**

**There will be some jumping in time but not as much as Borrowed Time (I think).**

**I probably won't be able to get the first chapter up this week because of Christmas (It's a crazy week), but I wanted to get this up so you guys could see what I am working on.**

**If you haven't heard of the Safe Haven laws that we have here in the U.S. I recommend you google it :)**

**N**


	2. Chapter 1

_"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm ... As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others." - Audrey Hepburn_

_#_

There was always a sort of feeling of freedom in winter break. In a lot of ways, it was an in-between. Classes for the previous semester were over and new ones were not set to start for over a month. There was no homework to worry about, no tests to study for, just time to spend with family and friends.

The trek from New York City, New York to Lima, Ohio seemed to take Rachel Berry less time than normal. She wasn't sure if it had to with the lack of traffic on the road or the way her foot seemed to press down harder on the gas pedal the closer she got. It had been two years since she had made the trek home, two years since her whole life had been flipped upside down by three very simple words.

Pulling into her old driveway, Rachel looked up at the house in amusement. Her fathers had done little to change it through the years and other than a new paint color it looked exactly as she remembered it. There was something comforting in the familiarity, something almost welcoming about being home. Grabbing her duffle bag out of the passenger's seat, Rachel stood for a moment letting the chilled air cool her heated skin.

She could picture her fathers inside the house, sitting next to the fire as they sipped their coffee. Her heart twinged a bit at the thought, realizing just how much she had missed the little things; missed them. Her Junior and Senior years of college had been much more in-depth and challenging than she had predicted and between all of her classes, lessons, and homework her relationships had fallen to the wayside a bit.

The front door was open, the heat of the house fogging the glass against the chill of the outside air. As Rachel pushed the door open and called a cautious "hello," inside she couldn't help the swell of memories that brought tears to her eyes. It was sad to think that this would be their last Hanukah inside the house before her fathers retired and moved closer to her.

The sound of Bing Crosby filled the home and she couldn't help but smile as her two fathers exited the living room their arms open wide. She was pulled into two very familiar and comforting embraces and couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes.

"It's going to be alright, darling." Her Dad told her as he brushed the hair from her eyes. "Your father and I will be right there with you."

At the words, her heart sunk a bit, but she forced herself to smile and nod as her hand swept away a few of the stray tears. No more running, no more pretending, and no more lying. It was a promise she had made to herself a few months earlier and one that she intended to keep, no matter the consequences. After all, she told herself, twenty three was a bit too old to be pretending anyways.

As the three of them curled up on the couch, the fireplace crackling warmth throughout the room, Rachel truly felt at peace.

#

There are so many things she remembers about that day two years ago, so many small things. Rachel sits in her reading nook, looking out the frosted glass, and forces her eyes closed as the tears fall. The onslaught of images only makes the pain in her chest throb stronger. A small sob escapes her lips and echoes off the walls of her room.

Three words, three simple little words, had changed everything.

"_I'm so sorry."_

Her eyes open and stare lifelessly out into the small bank of snow beneath her window. She watches a group of carolers make their way from one house to another, she watches the plow drive past as sand and salt trickle out behind it, and she watches her two fathers as they climb into their car.

She isn't hiding out; she just needs time.

When the car disappears around the corner, Rachel finds herself just sitting and listening to the silence. It doesn't take long for the cold to seep into her and she moves away from the window and under the covers of her bed.

"It's been two years," she whispers into the darkness, "and it still hasn't gotten any easier."

Silence is the only response she receives.

#

The only bad thing about being home is that she gets too comfortable. There are times when she sits on the couch late at night and she feels her mask slipping, when she feels the hopelessness of it all. It's in those moments, when she feels the most vulnerable, that she can't stop the flood of images that flash through her brain. Rachel can't help but notice the subtle looks her father's give her, the concern that brews beneath their eyes. The look envelops and suffocates her.

It's after one of their looks that she finds herself tugging on her boots and throwing on her jacket. The two men watch her with a mixture of surprise and pity and she has to bite her tongue to stop herself from saying something in retort. When the door slams behind her she can't help but let out a satisfied sigh. The cold air burns her lungs and she finds herself shoving her hands deeper into her pockets as she treks down the sidewalk away from the house.

At first she walks with no set destination in mind. It isn't until she gets two blocks from his house that she realizes where she's heading. She finds herself stopping, her eyes looking up at the Christmas lights that line the street, before she forces herself to take a few more steps and then a few more.

She stands on his doorstep, her eyes lingering on the cars that line his driveway, and she momentarily wonders if showing up unannounced was such a good idea. She knocks before she can change her mind and listens to the sound of footsteps on the other side of the door.

"Rachel?" he questions, his voice filled with some emotion she can't quite place. She finds her eyes settling just over his shoulder and she can sort of see into the living room. Quinn and Sam are lounging on the couch and what looks like Brittany and Santana are bunched together in an overstuffed chair. When Artie wheels from the kitchen into the living room, she breaks out of her trance, her head shaking back and forth.

"I shouldn't have come," she mutters. The sting of the cold air against her skin burns almost as bad as her humiliation and she finds herself shuffling down the stairs and away from him. Of course they would all get together without her. Even as she thinks it, she can feel the sting of rejection roll through her body. He calls out her name once and then lets out a low curse before she hears the door slam and the sound of his feet shuffling through the snow.

"Slow down," he calls to her and she finds herself picking up speed as she sloshes down the sidewalk. Rachel hears him just before she feels his fingers wrap around her arm and jerk her to a stop. "Jesus fucking Christ, I said slow down." His breathing is ragged and she can't help but notice the way he stands so that he blocks the wind from hitting her.

"Go inside or you're going to catch a cold," she tells him as she takes in the bare skin of his arms. "It's like two degrees," she finds herself suddenly reprimanding him like a child, "you should be wearing a coat." His arms cross and he lets out a heavy breath, his eyes rolling as he takes in her features.

"You look tired," he tells her honestly, his hand hovering between them for a moment, hesitating. "How have you been?" The words feel heavy and laden with so much that Rachel's breathing stutters for a moment.

"It doesn't matter," she replies her eyes burning with embarrassment and disappointment (after all she was sure he was the one person who wouldn't treat her differently, apparently she was wrong).

"Like fuck it doesn't," the words are soft against the heavy wind. "Why don't you come inside," he nods back towards his house and she can see how red his skin is getting from the cold nipping at it. "Hang out for awhile."

"And be a party crasher," she replies bitterly, "I think I'll pass." There is so much anger building up inside of her and she finds her hands shaking as she moves them from her pockets down to her sides. "Who would have thought," The words tumble from her lips, "I'm so pathetic I don't even qualify for a pity invite anymore."

Emotions flicker across his face and she finds herself turning away from him and trudging down the street. She's not sure if it's the sting of the words or the cold that keeps him from coming after her but she finds herself turning back just once to look at him. He's standing in the snow, watching her walk away. "Happy Hanukah, Noah." She whispers into the air as she fights off the tears that are threatening to spill down her cheeks.

When she finally makes it home, her whole body feels sluggish, exhausted. Rachel whispers a small apology to her Daddy about missing dinner before making her way up to her room and bundling herself under the covers.

"I'm ready to give up," she speaks softly into the darkness, "I'm so lost."

She doesn't wait for a reply.

#

Her phone lights up sometime during the night, the gentle buzz startling her out of her sleep. She grasps through the darkness, bringing the small object closer as her eyes squint at the screen.

_Remember that one time in High School?_

With each buzz comes a different message and she finds herself clutching the phone in her palm.

_When we sang together?_

She finds her eyes closing as she focuses on the distant memory. She can still remember the way their voices melded together, the sound of desperation they both knew so well. When she feels the buzz, her eyes open reading the words on the screen.

_If you need me, no matter the time, let me know. – NP_

It's hard for Rachel to find the words to respond. So much has changed and there is so much distance between the girl she used to be and the girl she is now. Her fingers type out two words on the keys as her hooded eyes look them over before hitting send.

_Thank you. –RB_

It will have to do for now.

#

She spends the next day lazing around the house (she doesn't even wake up until long after both of her fathers have left for work). She finds herself cuddling into the cushions of the couch and uses her free time to watch her favorite movies and catch up on a few TV shows she's missed. It's relaxing and it gives her a chance to unwind and just be. For once, she doesn't have to think or worry, and she doesn't have some huge cloud hanging over everything she does.

She spends her afternoon baking a batch of sugar cookies and a pan of brownies. As the scents fill the house a kind of warmth envelops her and she can't help but think that coming home was maybe the best decision she could have made. She's just putting the second cookie sheet into the oven when she hears the steady knock on the door.

Setting the timer for ten minutes, Rachel brushes her hands against her apron and blows the hair out of her face.

"I'm coming," She calls as she makes her way down the hall, listening to the sound of the knock echo through the hall.

When she pries the door open, the first thing she sees is the small batch of lilies he has gripped tightly in his fist, the second is the lines of worry etched upon his face.

"Rach," he murmurs. There's a moment of awkward silence and then he reaches out and pulls her into a tight hug. "Puck mentioned that you were in town and I thought I would stop by and see how you are doing."

She can't really find the right words to respond, but she feels herself pulling back and really looking at the man in front of her; something about him seems older, more weathered. So much has changed since they had last been together and she can't help but marvel at how they are both such different people. A fresh wave of resentment pops up in her and she finds herself swallowing back the anger.

"Thanks for stopping by, Finn."

He shoves his hands into his pockets, his feet shuffling against the rug lining the entryway. "Of course," he responds casually. The whole thing seems awkward, forced, and that thought kind of makes her sad. They stand together in silence for a moment before he smiles at her softly and pats her on her shoulder. "Well I just wanted to stop and say hi, I'm supposed to be meeting Kurt and Mom at the diner shortly, so I should really head out."

Rachel nods her head and gives him another small hug before closing the door behind him. She leans against the jamb and rests her head against the oak, her breathing ragged. This day was supposed to be relaxing, the exact opposite of complicated, but with a few steady knocks everything changes.

The oven timer beeping pulls her from her revere and she finds herself rushing into the kitchen and pulling the cookie sheet out. She slides the cookies off of the sheet and onto a cooling rack but the atmosphere has shifted and for some reason she can't get as excited about them as she was before.

Sighing she picks up her phone and her fingers type out a brief message.

_I think I could use some company. –RB_

It takes him less than a minute to respond and Rachel's eyes scan over the words not quite sure what she's feeling.

_I'll be there in five. –NP_

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**Thanks for all of your patience in waiting for this first chapter. I hope your holidays (whatever you may celebrate) were wonderful. I'm happy to see that so many of you are as excited as I am for this new story. Now that the holidays are over, updates should be quicker! I look forward to hearing what you all think.**

**N**


	3. Chapter 2

"_**In three simple words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost**_

_**#**_

_Two years earlier-_

"_I just don't understand what the issue is," Rachel muttered as she shoved her bangs off of her forehead and tapped her heel against the concrete while she waited for the bus. "I gave him exactly what he was asking me for and it still wasn't good enough, you know."_

"_um-hmm," her boyfriend replied mindlessly. _

"_He called me mediocre, Finn. ME!" She can feel the tears burning in her eyes and threatening to fall. "I feel like he singled me out to try and make a point or something and it's really not fair. Do you know what I'm saying?"_

_Rachel let out a small sigh listening to the soft sounds of some video game floating through her phone. Expectantly, she waited for him to say anything encouraging, but the line remained silent._

"_Are you even listening to me, Finn?" she bit out, annoyed by his obvious distraction._

"_Of course I am," he replied his tone snarky. "But I'm not exactly sure what you want me to say," he continued sounding anything but sincere. "It's always the same thing, Rach, and no matter what I say or do it's not going to be right so I'm staying quiet and just letting you vent."_

"_Nice," Rachel growled, "that's really caring of you Finn." An explosion echoed through the line and she could hear Finn cursing under his breath. "I'm hanging up now," she warned him before clicking her phone shut._

_Her breaths escaped her in small white poufs as the snow fell around her and added to the already large piles lining the ground. Shoving her hands into the pockets of her coat, Rachel looked down the street impatient for the bus to arrive._

"_It's freezing out here," a voice muttered beside her in annoyance. Rachel found herself turning to look at the man next to her; he stood with his back to the road, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his coat._

"_The bus must be running late," Rachel replied as she tucked her chin down into the warm fabric of her coat. "No surprise there, I guess."_

"_The roads are slick," the man replied shrugging, "At least they are taking safety into consideration."_

"_Yeah, but it sucks for us," Rachel smiled softly._

"_That it does," he replied._

#

There is a pit forming in the bottom of her stomach as she takes out the second batch of cookies and her eyes focus on the clock above the stove. It had been fifteen minutes since she had received the text from Noah and she was starting to get worried. Shoving her hands into the dough, Rachel kneaded it into a ball before sprinkling it with flower.

Brushing her hands against her apron, she picked her phone up and read through his text one more time before looking out the window at the weather. A light sprinkling of snow was falling and the roads were partially covered but it really didn't look too bad outside. Heading back into the kitchen, Rachel grabbed the rolling pin and rubbed some flour along the surface.

There was something almost cathartic about baking, she thought, as she rolled the dough out and began to cut out a few stars. Not only did it keep her busy and help to keep her mind occupied, but it also gave her a sense of accomplishment and enjoyment. Brushing her hair off of her face, she placed the cookies on the sheet and then stuck them into the oven.

As much as she hates to admit it, seeing Finn has rattled something deep inside of her and she feels unbalanced in a way. She's not quite sure how to take the visit and something about that bothers her. Rachel finds herself wondering if the whole thing was really as casual as he was making it out to be or if there was some hidden meaning behind the whole thing.

She's not really sure which she wants more.

There is still so much unsaid between the two of them and sometimes she finds herself wondering if he ever regretted the decisions he made. Just thinking about it makes her heart ache and the tears well up in her eyes. She fights off the feeling the best way she knows how; by singing. As the words fall from her lips and into the quiet air around her she lets the memories overtake her.

#

"_Well this is just ridiculous," she grumbled her cheeks stinging from the cold air. "The bus is already twenty minutes late." Rachel buried her face down into her jacket trying to ignore the stinging cold that was nipping at her skin. Groaning in frustration, she nodded her head at the man waiting beside her and began to walk down the road towards home._

_She only made it a block before she saw the empty taxi and stuck her hand out, calling it to her. The minute she sat in the car and felt the warm air blowing across her skin, she knew it was the right thing to do. Her skin tingled as it heated and Rachel spent most of the car ride looking out the window watching the snow fall._

"_The roads are pretty nasty tonight," the driver muttered as he turned back to look at her, "There was a huge accident on the interstate so I'll be taking the back way." Rachel nodded her head in understanding her eyes drooping as she watched the snow fall through the darkness._

_Her Daddy had once told her that no two snowflakes were alike. She had always loved that, loved the idea of each snowflake being unique or special; an individual. It was something that she had always prided herself on as well. She wasn't like the other girls in her class and that fact alone had always made her a target._

_Her eyes clenched tight as she thought about the words one of her acting coaches had said to her earlier in the day. He had walked up to her, his head shaking, and had told her she was "mediocre at best." At first, she had thought that he was testing her ability to handle criticism, but the more she dwelled on the words the more they ran through her head and taunted her._

_It also didn't help that her boyfriend was so unsupportive. Rachel had been there with Finn through some of the toughest times in his life and lately it had seemed like there was a huge disconnect between the two of them; one almost impossible to broach. There had been a time when they had been everything to each other and it was starting to look like that time was gone. Promising herself that she would dwell on these thoughts later, Rachel let her eyes rest for a moment weary from a long day._

#

"Rachel?" Noah questioned, his hand resting gently against her shoulder, "Earth to Rachel." She looked up into his eyes, taking in the furrow of his brow and the concern that was showing in his eyes.

"Sorry," she responded automatically, "I think I was lost in a thought." He nodded his head in understanding, his face still etched with concern. "It took you long enough to get here," Rachel grumbled her eyes looking outside at the snow covered ground, "I was starting to get worried."

"I stopped at the Red Box," he answered holding up a few DVDs for her to see, "Figured we could watch a movie or something." She knows the minute he sees the cookies sitting on the table behind her because his eyes light up. For some reason, she can't help but smile when she sees him reach for them. He shoves one into his mouth, his eyes scanning the room around them.

"What's with the lilies sitting by the front door?" he questions. She forces herself to ignore the food that is rolling around his mouth and she finds herself rolling her eyes at his lack of manners.

"Finn stopped by," Rachel answered, her shoulders sagging a bit with the words. "Wanted to see how I was doing since _someone_ told him I was in town."

A low growl escapes his lips and he pulls her into him, giving her a huge hug. "I'm so fucking sorry, Rachel. I didn't think he would actually have the balls to, you know, actually show up here." His hands squeeze her to him and for a moment it seems almost easy to forget, then he lets her go.

"As much as you want to blame him, Noah, I don't."

The man in front of her lets out a small scoff, his eyes rolling at her words. "Finnocence ain't so innocent no matter what you would like to think, Rach. He fucking knew what he was doing."

The air is tense, quiet between them. She's trying not to react to his words and she knows enough about him to know that he's trying not to say anything else that will upset her. He grabs a handful of cookies, shoving a whole one into his mouth as he looks out the windows behind her.

"About last night," Noah whispers after he swallows the cookie. Rachel finds herself leaning back against the cupboard, her eyes looking up into his. She can tell that he is hesitant to broach the subject and she can kind of understand why.

"I don't really want to talk about it," she tells him honestly, her eyes stinging at the memory of the embarrassment she made of herself. "Why don't we pretend it never happened?" she questions.

"You're not fucking pathetic Rachel," he replies. His voice is hard, emotional, and instead of looking at her he looks at the grout between the tiles on the floor. "Far from it, actually." He continues. "After everything that fucking happened I just," he lets out a small sigh as his hand runs through the small stubble on his head "thought you needed protection."

"I don't need you to protect me," Her voice is soft, hesitant.

"Maybe I need to, though." He murmurs. "Anyways, the only reason I didn't invite you is because Finn was there and I thought it would be hard for you to, I don't know, see his sorry ass or be in the same room with him." He waits for a moment, although she's not quite sure for what because there really isn't anything else to say.

"I thought you came over to distract me, not to remind me about everything." She mutters softly. Rachel finds herself picking up one of the cookies and nibbling on the end of it. He's quiet and she can tell that a part of him is still dwelling on the past. "So what movie did you get for us to watch?" she questions him, her eyes scanning over the title on the disk and her nose wrinkling in distaste.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it, Rach." She can't help but laugh at the small spark she can see in his eyes.

#

_Rachel woke up realizing almost immediately that something was wrong. A scream echoed from her throat as she looked at the icy road in front of them. The tires shuddered as they tried to find some traction on the ice. The driver looked back at her, panic in his eyes, and Rachel watched as the car swerved and slid around the road._

"_Hold on," he growled his foot tapping on the breaks over and over again. "Jesus Christ, hold on."_

_Then everything went black. _

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**_A special thanks to all of you who reviewed, added this story to your alerts, or to your favorites. As I said in the prologue there will be a bit of jumping around in time, but not a ton. Past scenes will always be posted in italics. I'm hoping to have the next chapter up on Wednesday!_**

__**Until then,**

**N**


	4. Chapter 3

"_**One word or a pleasing smile is often enough to raise up a saddened and wounded soul." – Therese of Lisieux**_

For some reason, with Noah around it's easier to believe that life will return to normal, that the past two years haven't defined who she's going to become. They sit together on the couch, nibbling on her cookies, and watching the movies he's brought. When they get tired of the sweet crumbly mixture, they make popcorn and take turns trying to lob it into each other's mouth. It's the first time she's really been able to let go and relax since the accident, something that is an accomplishment in and of itself she thinks.

"I like this," Rachel tells him honestly when he gets up to switch to another movie, "it feels normal."

He mutters something under his breath, his hand brushing along his face and across his head, before he turns to look at her. She can see the underlying emotions in his eyes; the sadness, the anger, the pity. Before she can respond he plops down on the couch next her, his hands digging into the fabric of the cushion.

"That's fucked up, Rachel." His voice is gruff and she can't help but think that he sounds tired. "But then again this whole situation is fucked up." His shoulders shrug a little bit and he leans his head back against the back of the couch letting out a long sigh. "I blame Finn," he continues "because I know." His eyes open to look at her and she feels like she's struggling to breathe.

For a moment it's like she's back in that car spinning and spinning through the darkness. She can hear the sound of the tires thudding on the pavement, then the squeal and the crunch of metal. Then the total darkness that seemed to engulf her. It takes her by surprise, the way the memories rush over her and then suddenly are gone again.

"How?" Rachel questions. Her voice sounds vulnerable, battered by the knowledge of everything that's happened.

"Finn's a lousy drunk," he answers honestly, "it all just kind of slipped out. I have never, and I mean never, wanted to punch the fucker so much in my entire life. After everything else you'd gone through, for him to be that…" he pauses for a moment as if trying to find the right word, "_selfish_ just seemed unjust."

The screen on the TV turns blue from lack of activity and it bathes the two of them in a soft glow. She doesn't want to feel bitter but it's there inside of her; the resentment the anger that she pushes down and refuses to acknowledge. "Life's unjust, Noah."

He lets out a small scoff his hands unfurling from the material to rest behind his head. "The night of the accident," he whispers, "when your taxi was careening off the road I was at a bar trying to get laid." The words are harsh, angry, and he pauses for a moment to let them settle between them. "I ended up going home alone and I remember being so angry at her for being such a cocktease that I had a hard time falling asleep."

"Then my phone started ringing." His face looks haunted, gaunt in the bluish glow. "My Mom was sobbing so hard and she just kept whispering your name as if it was the key to me understanding everything." He keeps his eyes focused on the screen but that doesn't stop her from seeing the fear that lay dormant under the surface. "It took awhile for her to be able to talk and when she did I really didn't want to listen, to have to picture it in my head. That didn't stop them from forming though."

"When she told me that a piece of metal impaled you, I thought for sure that you were dead. For some reason all I could keep picturing was our duet in high school and how you had looked at me and smiled and now you were in a hospital miles and miles away dying and there was nothing I could do about it."

The TV flicks off and with it the light that surrounded them. They sit in the darkness, neither really sure what to say to the other. Their hands meet and weave together, the unspoken words lingering between them before he continues to talk.

"My Mom asked me to pray for you, so I did. I prayed, I waited, and I hoped. News trickled in slowly from both Finn and my Mom. I listened to each of their reports waiting for some sign that things were going to turn around, some sign that you were going to make it and slowly you got better."

"I was so angry back then," she whispered, "so willing to blame anyone or anything for my predicament. It was the city's fault because the bus was running late, it was the man at the bus stops fault for not stopping me from leaving, and it was the cab drivers fault for not driving careful enough." Her voice is hesitant, tired as she continues. "When none of those answers seemed satisfactory I blamed God. It was his fault I was in that hospital bed, his fault my life had been flipped upside down."

"I thought blaming would be easier," she continued, "but in the end all it really did was fill me with a bitterness that made each day hard to cope with. I know now, looking back, how wrong it was, but at the time it seemed like the only way to make it through the day was to have someone, something to be angry at. It was better than feeling weak, anyway."

He nodded his head a kind of understanding building between the two of them. "Finn's still a dick, though." She let out a small laugh; her head shaking slightly in what he assumed was amusement.

"We were having problems before the accident and neither of us was really happy. We promised each other in high school after everything that went down with Santana that we would always be honest with each other, no matter how painful it was." Her fingers squeeze his for a moment and then she turns and really looks at him. "I can't fault him for sticking to that promise no matter how much I didn't want to hear it."

"I can," he mutters, the corners of his lips curling a bit. "He's lucky that I'm the only one that knows. I have a feeling that if Kurt knew he would tear him to pieces." For some reason she gets this image of Kurt trying to fight Finn. The image is so absurd that she can't help but let out a small laugh. "You're totally picturing it aren't you?" Noah asks her a smile on his face. "Shit's awesome."

That's how her Dad and Daddy find her; holed up on the couch with Noah, both of them laughing.

#

Rachel is at the grocery store a few days later when everything comes crashing down. It shouldn't come as a surprise to see the two women standing together in the produce aisle; after all they had been friends for years. For some reason, though, the sight comes as a shock to her and she literally stops in the middle of the row to stare at them.

Eva Puckerman turns and sees her first and her reaction is almost instantaneous. As the woman wraps her arms around Rachel and pulls her into a hug, her eyes meet Carol Hudson's. There is an emotion swimming in the woman's eyes that she can't quite place and a sort of tense acknowledgement.

"Hi Mrs. Puckerman, Mrs. Hudson," her words are soft and for the first time in a long time she feels truly vulnerable in front of the two women. "I didn't expect to see you two here." She forces a fake smile on her face and fights off the tears that feel like they are inevitable.

"It is a pleasant surprise, isn't it," Eva chirps as she grabs a small bag of oranges, placing them in her cart. "Noah said that the two of you hung out the other day."

"It was nice to catch up with an old friend," she replies hesitantly. There is a moment of silence between the three of them and with it an awareness of how awkward this whole conversation really is.

"If you two could excuse me for just a minute," Eva smiles softly, "I see a friend from Temple that I must go over and say hi to." And then suddenly it's just her and Carol standing together and the irony of the whole thing is not lost on Rachel. For so many years she had thought of this woman as a kind of mother figure to her, the person she could turn to for anything. Things change, though.

"So how is school treating you Rachel?" Carol asks as she picks up a cantaloupe and brings it up to her nose, smelling it slightly.

"It's been hard," Rachel tells her honestly, "it took awhile to get back into the swing of things but I graduate in a few months and then from there I guess the sky is the limit."

The woman smiles softly her eyes softening for a moment as she nods. "I'm sure that you will do great things in your life, Rachel. You were always very determined."

She's not sure why, but Rachel feels a sense of urgency so great that the words spill from her lips before she can stop them. "I've missed you, you know. I always thought of you like a mother to me and I really miss that." A red blush floods her cheeks and Rachel looks up into the woman's eyes surprised by what she sees there.

"Perhaps you shouldn't have broken up with my son then, hmm?" Carol questions her voice is a bit harsh and Rachel feels herself flinching back from the words. The tears are threatening to spill over and she can't seem to find the words to respond. When she and Finn had discussed their split he had told her that he would tell everyone that it was a decision they had made together and she had agreed knowing how hard it would be to tell people the real reason.

"I'm sorry…" she stutters on her words and then she feels Eva behind her, her strong arms wrapping against her stomach and holding her up, giving her strength. Then Eva lets her go, one of her hands raising to point at Carol.

"I'm not sure where you got your information, Carol." Eva's tone is harsh, biting. "But then again Finn always was your perfect little angel even as he lied to your face."

There's a moment when it's perfectly quiet (the calm before the storm) and then the two women are throwing remarks back and forth faster than Rachel can keep up. All she really wants to do is go home and go to bed but she isn't sure how she can do that knowing what she knows now.

"Carol," she whispers. The women don't hear her, too absorbed with their own bickering to notice the way her world is crumbling around her.

"Carol," she tries again. Her voice is firmer and the two women turn to look at her; one with pity and the other with anger. "I'm not sure what Finn told you about our split but I can assure you that I didn't break up with him." Her voice breaks and she holds the tears back as she continues to speak. "In fact I begged him not to break up with me, not that it changed his mind any."

She knows almost immediately that she is going to have to say the words and that they are going to break her. For two years she's refused to admit it, for two years she's pretended that she was whole and that everything was alright. But she's made a new promise to herself, one that she can't break because it's the only thing keeping her strong; keeping her going.

"Finn broke up with me," Rachel continues her voice cracking a bit through the words, "because I can't have children. The doctors said it had something to do with the trajectory of the piece of metal that pierced me. He told me," as the tears start falling down her cheeks she feels a gentle hand on her back supporting her, "that if I couldn't have children then he didn't see a future with me anymore."

* * *

**A few things:**

**As always thanks to those of you who took the time to review. I haven't gotten to the review replies yet, but I got the next chapter up sooner than I anticipated so I know that will make you all happy!**

**I don't hate Finn. In fact, I actually really like his character. I think that family is hugely important to him and he had to make the decision that was best for him. Also, like Rachel was telling Puck, they were having issues before the accident (some of which you saw last chapter).**

**There was a lot of differing perspectives on the last chapter. Some of you liked the jumping in time (or flashbacks) and some of you had a hard time keeping track. I said from the begining that there would be some confusion and a lot of questions for the first few chapters. Hopefully this chapter has answered some of them.**

**I'm going on vacation starting Thursday for a week. That means that I probably won't get the next chapter up until I get back. Until then I look forward to hearing what you have to say.**

**N**


	5. Chapter 4

**"_Character is formed in the stormy billows of the world." - __Johann Wolfgang von Goethe_**

When Rachel finally arrives home, barely in one piece, she doesn't even bother trying to pretend that everything is alright. She counts the steps to her room, her body heavy and tired as she listens to the whispers of her Dad and Daddy as they sit in the living room. She waits until she gets under the comfort and the security of her blankets to truly let the happenings of the day overtake her and then she cries.

There is a sense of loss, of hopelessness, and of betrayal that washes over her and she gasps for breaths of air through the sobs. All of the pretending, all of the lying, and all of the hiding didn't benefit her. Sure it was easier to pretend that everything was the same. With the pretending the lying almost came naturally to her. And she was a natural born actress, no matter what her teacher thought, and the pretending only helped her solidify her belief that everything was alright.

"But nothing will ever be alright again." She whispers into the darkness as the tears drip onto her pillow. "I will never be whole again."

In her darkest moments she often finds herself wondering what it would be like, to carry a child in her belly and to know that it's hers. She knows that it would be an experience she would never forget, one that would define a new, more mature, her and in a way she longs for that experience; for the bond of a mother and her child. It's a constant ache that never goes away.

It takes a half an hour for the tears to stop falling, but even then the feeling of emptiness remains. She tries to imagine what could have possessed Finn to tell such a lie but the more she dwells on it the angrier she feels. Rachel's trying to find a pattern in the stucco on her ceiling when the bed dips beside her and she feels his presence.

"Your Mom works fast," she whispers. Her voice is gravelly from her crying and she knows that she must look like a mess. Reaching up, she twists her hair behind her head and rubs the side of her face to eliminate some of the tear streaks she knows are present.

"You say the fucking word and I will beat the shit out of him," Noah says. His voice is contained but she can sense the anger boiling under the service. "Of all the low things Hudson has ever done, this has to be the worst." She lets out a small scoff, the sound hanging in the air between them. "I know it doesn't make a difference but Carol feels like a complete bitch and I'm pretty sure Finn will be hearing about it."

"She was like a Mom to me," Rachel whispers. The implications of the words linger between the two of them.

"Fuck, take mine." Noah mutters, "She's already bat-shit crazy about you anyways and that's not an exaggeration. I think she loves you more than she loves me." There's a teasing quality to his voice but she knows that he's not just saying it, he actually means it.

Rachel finds herself rolling onto her side to look at the man lying next to her. His arms are resting behind his head and he's staring up at the ceiling. "I love your Mom, Noah. I wasn't insinuating that I didn't. I'm just…" she lets out a small sigh and finds herself fighting off tears again, "sad that it had to happen this way."

His nods in acknowledgement as his fingers unlace from behind his head and move to rest at his sides. "I know something that would make you feel better." There is a mischievous tone to his voice and a small tilt to his lips.

"I'm not sleeping with you," she replies dryly. The two of them look at each other for a moment before a small kind of laughter bubbles out of them.

"Nice," he taunts lightly, "and you say I have a dirty mind. That wasn't what I was suggesting although sex is always a good suggestion." A blush floods her cheeks and she buries her head into her pillow to hide her embarrassment. He lets out a loud laugh at this, his hand resting against his stomach.

"Then what were you suggesting?" she questions as she pulls her head out of the material to look at him.

"Why a good old fashioned Karaoke night with a few of our fellow Glee club members at the local dive bar. I guarantee that you will have a good time."

She feels her heart drop into her stomach and for a moment she's not sure why. Then it comes to her. "I thought they didn't know?" A small sort of panic starts to build up inside of her but before it can really grow into anything he grabs her hand.

"All they know is that you were in a car accident because Kurt started the Glee phone tree when he found out. I promise you that none of them know about any of the rest, just me and Finn and he will definitely NOT be there."

If she doesn't go, Rachel knows that the entire night will be spent with her lying in her bed staring at the walls or the ceiling with only her thoughts to occupy her. As much as she needs to process and work through things she also needs to just get away from it all. "I'm in."

"Great," Noah replies as he tugs his phone out of his pocket and punches a few different buttons, "you might want to get in the shower, though, because honestly you look like shit."

#

The tiny dive bar is packed to the brim with people when they arrive. A large, balding man stands on stage, his hands caressing the microphone as he wails along to a Bruce Springsteen song.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Rachel finds herself muttering as Noah makes their way along the tiny dance floor to a booth just off the front of the stage.

"It'll be fine, Rachel. This is exactly what you need." His voice is hard to distinguish above the sound of the music. She watches as he lifts his hand up and waves to someone across the room before grabbing an empty chair and shoving it alongside the table. "You worry too much."

The whole situation is casual, almost too casual, and she finds it easy to relax into the plush of the chair and watch others take the stage and make complete fools out of themselves. The noise of the music makes it almost impossible for conversations to occur and for once she finds that she's grateful for it because then she doesn't have to talk or think. And really, that's the whole point anyway.

Someone does a terrible rendition of "Love Shack" and then the DJ calls for a ten minute break. For some reason a sort of panic builds up inside of her and she excuses herself from the table and makes a b-line for the closest door. She doesn't really feel like she can breathe and she's not sure why but she knows that she needs a moment to regain herself.

The air outside is chilly against Rachel's skin and she finds herself leaning back against the small bricked entryway as she forces herself to calm her breathing.

"Running away always seems like a good idea, doesn't it?" The voice startles her and she finds herself pressing her hand against her racing heart trying to calm the beating.

"You scared me!" Her voice is breathy and she clenches her eyes shut trying to force all the negative thoughts out of her mind. "How are you Santana?"

"Better than you, obviously." The response is brutal but in a lot of ways, Rachel also knows that it's true. She's surprised to find that the words don't sting her as much as they probably should.

"Well, _obviously."_ The words come out sarcastic and a bit condescending, exactly as she intended them to. There is only so much civility between the two of them and she can feel the strain of the whole situation and the tension that always seems to mount between the two of them.

"Look at you," Santana smirks, "standing up for yourself." Her voice is sharp, forceful, and Rachel finds herself pressing her back into the bricks a bit harder. "Funny, _considering _how _wonderful _your life actually is or should I say _isn't."_

The words seem to dig at her insides and she presses her hand against her stomach to stop the vomit from coming up. There's this feeling of her whole world being tilted on its axes and her vision blurs for a moment as she struggles to catch her breath and fight back.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." The lie fumbles from her lips and she knows the minute the words have escaped that no one would believe them. Hell, she doesn't even believe them. A loud scoff escapes Santana's lips and her smile stretches even wider as she lets out a small laugh.

"If that's the extent of your acting, then I can see why you're such a failure in New York." The words feel like a slap in the face and her mouth opens in shock before she can stop it. _Mediocre _she finds herself thinking. I'm a _mediocre_ actress. Before she can form some sort of a response, the door cracks open and all of her thoughts become jumbled in a mass of emotions.

"Santana," Finn questions, "were you coming back in?" Rachel's not quite sure if Finn can't see her or if he's choosing to ignore the obvious tension in the air. Either way, it kind of pisses her off.

"I'll be right in," Santana murmurs with a small wave of her hand. Finn regards her for a moment and then nods his head, letting the door click shut behind him. It's quiet, still, and she finds herself struggling to grasp the situation. "By the way, _Rachel," _Santana snaps as her eyes once again meet the girl in front of her, "you can play the pity card all the fuck you want but just remember that it eventually gets old."

Anger brews up inside of her and she finds herself clenching her fists to stop the whole thing from going any farther. When Santana laughs and tugs on the handle of the door, Rachel finds the words spewing from her mouth. "At least he actually cared about me when he fucked me. Because let's face it, Santana, you're a bitch and it's hard for any guy to love you."

For a minute she forgets who she's talking to and she feels guilty. Her body is shaking from the anger, though, and she knows that her face is bright red which helps her keep a steady mindset. For some reason, she has to stop herself from apologizing which only seems to makes her angrier.

"Yeah he cared about you so much that he dropped you the minute he could, just like Puck when he gets the chance." Santana's words are harsh, cold, and unforgiving. She holds the door open, the heat spilling out over the two of them. Rachel can see Mercedes up on stage and can hear the strands of a song just starting. "Oh and one last thing," Santana growls her words clear even through the sounds behind her, "Unlike you and your defective body, I can have children."

The woman disappears through the door and Rachel listens as it makes a loud clink that echoes through the air. Her legs feel week and she finds her back scraping against the bricks as she slides to the ground. Her head throbs and she rests it back against the wall; she's not sure if she's going to throw up or pass out and the whole thing is just terrifying to her. As she closes her eyes and sucks in a few deep breaths of air, a single word runs through her; _defective._

_

* * *

_

**As always, **

**thanks to those of you who took the time to review, I love reading what you have to say! ****My vacation was perfect and relaxing; everything that I needed and wanted so thanks to those of you who asked. I'm hoping to get the next chapter up by Friday so keep an eye out for it. There's less than a week until the second half of the season starts and from some of the spoilers I'm reading and hearing it sounds like it's going to be amazing! What are you guys looking forward to most?**

**N**


	6. Chapter 5

**"_I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know." – Ralph Waldo Emerson_**

Rachel refuses to call a taxi. She tries not to think about what that means or to analyze it because she knows that it will only make her more upset (she's also sure her therapist would have a heyday with the information). She also refuses to go inside and ask Noah for a ride and interrupt his time with his friends. Instead she pulls out her cell phone and presses the number one button, forcing herself to calm her breathing as she asks for a ride.

She sits with her phone clenched in her palm and watches the minutes tick by. It takes her Daddy less than ten minutes to get there and when he finally finds her his face is lined with stress. Rachel can feel the streaks of mascara that have run down her cheeks and she uses the back of her hand to brush them away, forcing a fake smile on her face.

"None of that," he tells her as he moves to sit next to her on the ground, "you don't need to shield your emotions from me." They sit in the quiet for a few minutes, the sounds of the bar the only noise pulsing through the air.

"I want to go home," Rachel whispers as she moves her head to rest against her Daddy's shoulder. "I want to be anywhere other than here." His fingers move to stroke through her hair and she finds the motion as soothing as she did as a child. Her tears are soaking through his shirt and only one thought seems to remain. "I need a glass of water."

"Then let's get you a glass of water." He moves them gently through the alley and towards his car at the front, knowing without asking that she can't go back into the establishment. She's almost surprised to find her Dad in the front seat, a bottle of water in his hands and a few more lying on the seat next to him. Something about the whole thing only seems to make her love them more.

Rachel is halfway home (and two bottles of water down) when her phone starts buzzing in the small rhinestoned clutch that she shoved it haphazardly into. She knows that it's most likely one of two people calling to check up on her and she's not really ready to talk to either one of them. She also knows that her Dad and Daddy are watching her through the rearview mirror to see her response. She reaches in and hits ignore; refusing to look and see who's actually calling. It's easier that way.

It's her Dad and Daddy's date night and she knows without even checking the calendar that they have tickets to something or another (they also have a hotel reservation but she refuses to think about that). She shoos them out of the house quickly after they arrive back, telling them not to ruin their night because of her and promises she's alright. When the door finally closes behind them, she leans against it and listens to the silence of the house.

Instead of checking her phone, Rachel places the small object on her nightstand and tells herself to forget about it (and everything else) for just a little while. She throws on one of her favorite swimsuits and makes her way down the stairs and out onto her back deck. She climbs into the hot tub and lets the warm water and the steam drown out the world around her and soothe her aching muscles.

#

Sometime in the night Rachel feels the bed dip beside her and two arms encircle her. Without even turning to look, she knows who it is. His hands are warm and she can feel the heat of his skin through the fabric of her tank top. There is a faint smell of whiskey on his breath as he presses a small kiss against the side of her forehead.

"Breaking and entering," she finds herself mumbling through her sleep induced haze.

"Bullshit, I used the key under the fake rock," he whispers as her eyes drift shut against her will. "You never came back and I needed to check on you." She listens to the sound of his steady breathing and lets it lull her back to sleep.

#

Waking up the next morning is harder than usual. She can still feel the heavy arms wrapped around her stomach and hear the slight snore of the man sleeping in bed beside her. Her whole body aches and she contemplates skipping her morning routine for a day spent in bed cuddling with someone who has become one of her best friends. As much as she wants to, though, she can't justify it or escape from the thoughts of the night before that suddenly pop into her head.

It's only when she struggles to be released from Noah's grasp that she realizes in order for her to start her day that she will have to wake him up as well. Rachel tugs on his fingers, groaning in frustration as they grip the fabric of her tank top tighter.

"It's too early," he mutters sleepily, "go back to bed." She lets out this small scoff, her eyes looking at the clock next to her bed with amusement.

"It's eight o'clock and I need to get up." She rolls to her side and shoves at his chest a bit, smiling when his hands release and he rolls away from her grumbling under his breath. Tugging on an oversized sweatshirt, she looks over her shoulder at him one last time before making her way out of the room, the door clicking quietly behind her.

#

She's halfway through her run, when she stops at the small coffee shop and trudges inside. The music from her iPod is blaring as she looks up at the menu, her eyes scanning the small list of offerings. She plucks one of the ear buds out to place her order, handing the barista her money with a small smile, when she hears her name being called. The voice is vaguely familiar and it takes her a minute to place it before she turns around and forces a smile on her face.

"Shelby, how are you?" The words come out terse and she finds herself having to fight to keep a smile in place as she looks at the small girl on the woman's hip. Beth's face is buried in the crook of her mother's neck, her dark hair cascading down her back in ringlets.

"I'm great, Rachel thank you for asking. I'm just in town visiting some family members." There is an awkward silence between the two of them as they both stand shuffling their feet. Two small brown eyes peek up at her and Rachel looks at the small girl with a mixture of awe and sadness.

"Hello, Beth." She whispers, smiling softly as the girl lets out a small gasp and tucks her face back into Shelby's neck. Her heart thuds heavily in her chest and Rachel looks at the two of them for a moment, taking in the whole scene. For some reason she feels like that fifteen year old kid again, getting rejected by the mother she never knew. It stings even worse the second time around.

Her name gets called out and she diverts her eyes to the small cup of coffee sitting on the counter beside her. "I should really get going," Rachel mumbles as she picks the cup up, blowing on the top of it gently. "I've got a lot to do today." She forces herself to look her mother in the eyes one more time before she places the ear bud back in her ear and exits the café.

She gets a block before she leans against a small brick façade and lets the tears stream down her cheeks. She's not sure how to explain the relief that courses through her system or the thoughts that follow the feeling. Growing up without a mother hadn't been easy, but she had two fathers who loved her more than anything else in the world and it had been enough.

Sometimes, though, in the darkest recesses of her mind, Rachel would wonder if she would have been a different person if she had a mother growing up. In one of her psychology classes during her freshman year of college she had learned a lot about her behavior and behavior in general. One of the most startling things she had learned, though, was that children often learned by mimicry. Without a mother to mimic, without that knowledge of how to care for a tiny little person, she often found that she doubted herself capable of the task.

After the accident she had whispered those very fears to Finn in the confines of her bedroom. The tears had streaked down both of their cheeks as he pulled her closer and kissed her gently, almost tenderly. The fact that she would not have to worry about it any longer remained unspoken between the two of them, but the heaviness of the situation and of the rest of her thoughts was always there.

She couldn't voice the other thought that plagued her thinking and her dreams that night, couldn't find the words to explain it to him. She often wondered if it would have made any difference in the weeks that followed, in the decisions that were made and the things that were said. Rachel often wondered if he thought the very same things that she did; that she wasn't meant to be a mother and that the accident was God's way of telling her.

Seeing her mother with another child only seemed to make the somewhat ignored wounds ache all the more.

#

By the time she makes it back to her house, Noah is up and sitting at her kitchen counter, a large cup of coffee in his hands. A small war goes on inside of her about whether or not to tell him about seeing Beth (and Shelby) during her run. Rachel knows what a sensitive topic it is for him, though and there's something in the way that he looks at her that stops her from speaking. She drops down onto the stool next to him, her elbows resting against the granite, as she lets out a small sigh.

"I thought you were going to try and hang out with us last night?" he questions. His voice is still deep from sleep and something in the tone sends a shiver up her spine. He shakes his head at some unspoken thought before taking another sip from his mug. "You ditched me." The words sound almost accusing and as much as she wants to explain she can't find the words to explain how utterly _horrible_ her night was. His body swivels so that he can look at her closer and she feels the edge of his knee brush against hers.

"I'm sorry," she replies honestly, her shoulders sagging a bit as she rests her head against her hand. The air is quiet between them and she lets out a soft sigh, her body slumping even further. She knows it's not like her not to speak, to not share everything that is going on inside of her but at the same time she's so emotionally exhausted that she just wants everything to go away. A small tear tumbles down her cheek and she finds herself turning away from him and brushing it off.

"What happened?" he murmurs, his hand reaching out to rest against her shoulder. She can feel the heat of his palm against her shoulder and for a moment she clenches her eyes shut fighting off the image of Santana in her face and the words that tumbled from her lips.

"Nothing," she lies. His hand lingers on her shoulder for another moment before he swivels her around to look at him. Noah looks into her eyes, his brow furrowing, before he pulls his hand back and crosses his arms in front of him.

"What the fuck happened?" his voice is gruff, tinged with anger and some other emotion she can't quite place. Instead of answering him, Rachel moves away from the counter and further into the kitchen. She digs through the fridge for a few minutes before shutting the door and then leaning against it. Santana's words seem to echo through her mind. For once she doesn't want to explain; doesn't want him to know the things that were said. He _knows_ her better than any of their other friends ever have (and probably ever will) and she can't break in front of him again, she just can't.

"It's getting late and I need to take a shower." Her voice is emotionless and for once she's proud of herself for keeping it together; for staying strong. He looks at her for a moment, confusion and anger marring his features as he tries to process what is happening.

"The more you run from this, the more you are going to run yourself into the ground." He tells her, his nostrils flaring as he pushes the stool back and stands up. His hands grip the edge of the counter for a moment and he takes a deep breath, his shoulders sagging. "I thought you could trust me, Rachel. I thought I had proved that to you. Something huge happened and you're lying and hiding, I just don't understand."

She listens to the hum of the refrigerator, her eyes closed tight against the onslaught of thoughts and images that flood her brain. When the front door slams, she can't help the way her body jumps or the way her heart drops into her stomach. It's a feeling that she can't get rid of for the rest of the day.

* * *

**As always, thanks to those of you who reviewed the last chapter, there were a lot of strong oppinions! Are you guys liking the preview of the next chapter or is it better to be surprised?**

So... what did you all think of The Super Bowl Episode? There were so many great parts. I especially loved the scene between Puck and Rachel right before going on the football field. It put a huge smile on my face.

**Till next time,**

**N**


	7. Chapter 6

_**"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." - James Arthur Baldwin**_

There was a time when Rachel would have been alright being on her own, when she would have relished the thoughts in her mind and the silence around her. She listens to the tick of the clock and the wind as it gusts against the side of her house and all she can seem to think about is _him_. It kind of pisses her off that she's so weak.

She checks her phone more times than she's willing to admit before setting it next to her on the counter and pulling out the small journal her therapist forced her to start writing in. She finds herself staring at the empty lines on the page and as hard as she tries, she can't get the words to come out of her. She taps her pen against the table in frustration before letting it rest against the page.

_Apparently I'm defective._

Rachel strikes through the words, letting out a small sort of grunt, before ripping the page out completely. Just seeing the word written on paper hurts, almost more than hearing Santana say the word herself. She knows she shouldn't take it personally, that sometimes Santana is a bitch and she says things just to be mean, but as the word echoes around in her head the only thing she can think is that it is _personal_.

She sets her pen against the paper, her eyes tearing as she looks down at the small black book. It's been days since she's written and she can't put it off any longer, no matter how much it hurts her. And she knows, without a doubt, that it's going to hurt.

#

It's the middle of the night when her phone buzzes with an incoming text. She hasn't quite been able to fall asleep yet so the intrusion is more welcoming then the quiet. It takes a moment for the picture to open and when it finally does she almost wishes she hadn't opened it. Because even though she can't recognize the faces through the darkness of the picture, she does recognize the bedspread.

_Santana_, she thinks.

Before she really even realizes what's happening the tears are falling down her cheeks. In so many ways, she knows that she shouldn't be upset and that she has no claim on Noah or his bed; it doesn't make the hurt go away, though. Rachel's phone is gripped in her hands and all she really wants to do is send back a nasty message.

Instead, she finds herself dialing a different number.

#

It's no easy task sneaking into her house and up the flight of stairs to her bedroom. Her door is cracked and she listens with baited breath for any type of sound that would alert her fathers. Rachel finds herself more than a little surprised when his head pokes through the crack, a smirk on his face, and she realizes she didn't hear a thing.

"How in the hell," she mutters, her hand clamping over her mouth as she lets out a small laugh.

"I've gotten better," he replies with a simple shrug of his shoulders. He clicks the door closed behind him and looks around the room tentatively, his eyes scanning the pictures that line her vanity mirror. "It's changed."

"It's been a few years since you've been in here, Finn." It's tense; a kind of awkwardness lingers in the air between them. All she can seem to think about is the way he stuck his head out the door and obviously ignored everything that was happening between her and Santana the previous night. The memory just seems to make her pissed and it's then that she realizes how stupid calling him probably was. "This was a bad idea," she mutters.

"Probably," he replies with a shrug of his shoulders. Finn's hands are shoved into his pockets and she can tell by the way he's standing that he feels just as awkward as she does and it makes her kind of sad. "But I'm here now, so it's a bit late for changing your mind."

"Says the man that took back every promise he ever made," the words are spat out and she feels horrible the minute they leave her lips. Rachel looks down at her hands for a minute before looking up and meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You're being honest," he replies sadly, "I do remember that promise." His shoulders slouch a bit as he takes a deep breath. Even after all this time there's still so much that she knows about him; she kind of loves and hates it at the same time. She can tell that he's trying to think of what to say and she knows she needs to give him a moment. Rachel's never been good with patience, however.

"How could you tell her?" she questions. "Knowing everything that's happened between us, all the bad blood that's between us, how could you tell Santana?" There is a hard edge to her voice, one that makes it clear how unhappy she is with him. Finn looks at her in confusion for a moment, his brow creasing as he thinks.

"I didn't tell her anything." He shuffles further into the room, his feet dragging on the carpet before he flops down in the chair next to her vanity. She watches him for a moment as he picks up her hairbrush, running the bristles along his hand and she lets out a small sigh.

"I'm not stupid, Finn."

"And neither am I." There is a hard edge to his voice and she wonders if it has more to do with the fact that he thinks she's calling him stupid or that she's accusing him of something they both know she would never forgive him for. "She overheard a conversation between my mom and me." He pauses for a minute, a small scoff escaping his lips. "Thanks for _that_ by the way."

Rachel's mouth drops open in shock and before she really understands what she's doing she is standing in front of him with her hands on her hips. "You told me you were going to tell everyone it was a mutual split. I really think you have _zero_ room to talk."

He looks sheepish the minute the words leave her lips and she knows that she's pretty much calling him out on his lies. It feels good, though, to get the words out in the open and actually have a dialogue with him. Finn shifts in his chair and she feels the brush of his leg against hers. It's only then that she realizes how close she was actually standing to him. She takes a couple of steps back, her arms leaving her hips to cross over her chest.

"Sorry." The word is mumbled, but she can tell by the way he bows his head and fidgets with his hands that he actually means it. She wonders if they had been this open to discussion, if they had actually fought instead of sweeping things under the rug if their relationship would have ended up different. It hurts to think about.

Rachel knows it's late and that Finn really shouldn't be in her room, plus the conversation is starting to mess with her head and she knows that she has enough to deal with. "It's getting really late," she whispers.

"I don't understand why you and Santana can't just bury the hatchet," he replies. She's caught between wanting to throw something at him and wanting to laugh. Neither reaction would go over very well, though.

"She called me _defective_," the words tumble out before she can stop them. Her hand reaches up to cover her mouth and she can feel the tears that are welling in her eyes. "You need to leave, now." He sits in the chair a mixture of shock and anger on his face as he watches her crumble before him. "I'm not asking, Finn."

She holds the door open, her foot taping against the carpet as she forces her eyes up on the ceiling. He sits in the chair for a full minute before he moves. When he finally does walk past her, Rachel tries with all of her might to ignore the feeling of his fingers as they brushed along her wrist.

The click of her bedroom door resonates through her room.

#

It doesn't take long for news to travel in the Glee circle. Rachel's literally waking up when her phone starts blasting the sounds of "Teenage Dream." She rolls over and looks at her clock, a mixture of shock and awe filling her. When she answers she can't contain the amusement in her voice. "I thought you couldn't deign the world with your presence at this ungodly hour, Kurt."

"Good morning to you too," Kurt trills, "God I need coffee." A small laugh rumbles deep in her chest and she finds her head falling back against her pillow. "Dear Gaga you are not going to believe the news I have to tell you." She can hear Kurt shuffling around his apartment and then she hears the sound of his coffee pot percolating. "Santana has been blacklisted."

There's an instantaneous reaction where she finds herself bolting upright in bed and then she sits in shock for a good minute, forgetting that Kurt can't see her. When she finally finds the words to speak, she's hesitant. "What are you talking about?"

"She's been blacklisted," when Rachel is still quiet Kurt lets out a small sigh before explaining. "She's ostracized from the group. Anyone caught talking or interacting with her will be and I quote _sorry_." He lets out a small chuckle and mutters something about how he should have seen this coming. Rachel can't seem to find the words to respond and she has to swallow a few times before speaking.

"What did she do?" Rachel asked, "Who blacklisted her?" There's a tremor in her voice but she's pretty sure that Kurt will mistake it for excitement. She's not wrong.

"I don't know on either account," Kurt laments. "I just got a call from Finn sometime in the middle of the night. I was pretty pissed to be woken up but the boy is my brother after all." Kurt pauses and she can tell he's doing it for dramatic effect. "He sounded really pissed off, actually. I wonder if Santana gave him a STD or something."

A beep echoes through the line and Kurt mutters something about Mercedes before telling her goodbye. Before she gets up the nerve to respond she hears the click.

#

The air outside is chillier than normal so she spends the morning on her treadmill with her headphones in her ears. It's nice to just block out the world and focus on the movement of her feet and a sound other than her own thoughts. It isn't until she pulls the ear buds from her ears that she realizes that someone else is in the room with her.

"Good morning, Puck." Rachel picks up the bottle of water, downing it in a few gulps, before setting the empty bottle back in the cup holder. If he noticed the name change, he doesn't mention it. Instead he stands and watches her for a moment before he speaks.

"Do you want to tell me what the fuck is going on?" His voice is edgy, and she can tell that he's angrier than he's letting on. "Or why I got a call from fucking Abrams at four o'clock this morning telling me that Santana was persona non grata."

There's a moment where she feels a kind of panic building up inside of her and it comes second nature for her to put on her show face. "Apparently, according to Kurt, she's been blacklisted." She keeps her voice even, void of all inflections or emotion. "It's too bad Artie had to ruin your night."

His brow furrows and she can read the confusion on his face. "What in the hell are you talking about?" he mutters. "And since when did we as a group blacklist someone?" He waits a beat for her to respond but for once Rachel finds that she really doesn't have anything to say. "Who blacklisted Santana?"

"I've been on the treadmill all morning and Kurt's details were vague," She tells him with a shrug of her shoulders. "If you came here for answers I don't have any for you." There's a second where he looks at her and she can read the hurt in his eyes. For a moment she lets the mask fall down and shows him the vulnerability beneath the surface. She doesn't want to think about other people's feelings when she's hurting as selfish as that sounds. "Thanks for the lovely text last night, it was enlightening."

He looks at her in confusion for a moment before pulling his cell phone out, scrolling through his sent messages. She knows for a fact when he sees it because his face pales and he mutters a curse under his breath. "What did you do?" Puck questions.

"It's funny that you think I would have that kind of power over our friends," she replies, "hilarious actually." The air is charged between them and for once in her life she chooses not to back down. "If you're looking for the perpetrator you may want to talk to Finn. He seemed pretty upset when he was over here last night."

"This is so fucked up." He mutters. She can hear the anger in his voice. His nostrils flair and he runs his hand along his scalp, his eyes clenched tight. "Rachel, please tell me that you didn't fall back into bed with him."

"You mean like you did with Santana?" Her mask finally crumbles and she lets him see every emotion that he's bringing out in her. "No Puck, I couldn't do that to you," she takes a deep breath and feels her heart stutter in her chest. "I thought that," she swallows back her anger and hurt, her head shaking. "It doesn't matter what I thought, anymore."

A sort of realization seems to dawn on him and the anger slowly drains out of him and some other emotion takes over. "Rachel," he whispers.

"No," she says her head shaking quicker, "NO." She clears her throat, her eyes tight. "You want to know what I was so upset about, so embarrassed about, that I couldn't tell you the other night."

"Yes," he murmurs. "Tell me."

"Santana found out about everything, apparently she overheard a conversation between Finn and Carol." She lets the words sink in for a moment before continuing. "She told me I was _defective_ and that you would get tired of me just as quick as Finn." He sucks in a sharp breath; his hands shake as he raises them over his face. "I guess she was right." There are tears threatening to spill over and she refuses to fall apart anymore. "I need to take a shower and you need to leave."

* * *

**Well that was a doozy of a chapter... and deep breath.**

**Thanks to the reviewers, you guy's know how much I heart you!**

**I posted a P/R one-shot titled 'As Dreamers Do' If you haven't checked it out yet, then please do (you know you want to!)**

**I've gotten quite a few requests to turn 'So many reasons why' and 'Free Falling' into multi-chapter stories and I'm considering the possibilities of both. (I'll update you once I make a concrete decision)**

**Until next time,**

**N**


	8. Chapter 7

"_**Relationships are like crystals, you don't realize how much you love it until it breaks."- Unknown**_

There's a moment where Rachel really doesn't think Noah's going to leave, that he's going to stay and fight her and push her to her breaking point. It kind of terrifies her. For some reason, as crazy as it sounds, her first instinct is to run. She pictures packing up her car and heading back to New York and never looking back. It would be like she was leaving all the heartache, bad memories, and pain behind. The room is silent and she can hear the sound of both of their ragged breaths and the sound of her heart beating in her ears. She leaves him standing by the treadmill and makes her way down the hall and into her bathroom.

It isn't until she's standing under the jet of warm water that she lets herself cry. Rachel rests her forehead against the cool tile, her cries echoing off the walls around her. It had been almost too easy to imagine that someone would still want her, that someone still loved her despite all of her faults. But Santana had been right, people got tired of her easily and maybe that was her fault. She had a history full of bad relationships to analyze some other time.

The thing that hurt more than anything, though, was that she thought things with Noah were different this time. It seemed like lately there had been something more between them, something that she had longed for quietly for far too long. He had been there for her in some of her darkest times, bringing a smile to her face and a laugh from her mouth. Sweeping the water off of her face and into her hair, Rachel tried to ignore the disappointment that bubbled inside of her.

He's standing outside her bedroom door when she exits the bathroom, his arms crossed over his chest. "Rachel," he mumbles softly.

"Noah, please," she sighs. She's pretty sure that she looks like crap and that he probably heard her crying. It's more embarrassing than she cares to think about. He looks at her for a minute, his head shaking sadly, before he turns around and leaves.

#

Rachel's at temple a few days later when she runs into Eva Puckerman. It's awkward at first and she can't help but wonder if Noah mentioned anything to his mother about the fight they had. Before she can stress about it too much, Eva smiles and pulls her into a hug. "I haven't seen you around the house lately," she whispers. There are a few nosy older ladies standing nearby who would love nothing more than to eavesdrop on their conversation. She looks at Eva for a moment, a small smile on her face and shrugs.

"I know and I'm sorry," Rachel replies softly before taking a small bite out of her sugar cookie. Noah is standing across the room from the two of them and as hard as she tries she can't seem to take her eyes off of him. It had been two days since their fight and as much as she hated to admit it, she hadn't really done much of anything in that time. She watches Noah scruff up his sister's hair and can't help but smile as she watches the younger Puckerman lunge at her brother.

"Whatever he did," Eva murmurs, "he's sorry." Rachel finds her attention drawn back to Noah's Mom and she smiles softly and nods.

"I'm not sure that's enough this time," she whispers honestly. The pain of the whole thing is still so fresh and as much as she wants to walk over and talk to him, she can't. "It hurts too much." Eva glances at her son for a second, her head nodding in understanding. "I Just," she lets out a small sigh, forcing herself not to cry, "I just can't talk about it."

"That's fine, dear," Eva replies, patting her softly on the arm. "But don't be a stranger. I miss seeing you around." The woman looks at her for a moment a small smile on her face and then she pulls her into another hug. "Take care of yourself, Rachel."

"I will." It's a promise and she knows that it's one that she's going to keep. Eva excuses herself and heads back towards her family. With the woman gone, Rachel finds herself feeling more alone than ever. Her Dad and Daddy are sitting a few tables over, deep in conversation with some person that she's sure she's never seen before. She sends a quick text to her Dad, letting him know she's heading home, before heading towards the coat closet to grab her jacket.

She's just shoving her arms in the sleeves when he steps into the room. His hands are burrowed into the pockets of his ratty jeans and he leans back against the door blocking her exit. "It's freezing out there; you really shouldn't be walking home."

"It's only a few blocks," she brushes her bangs out of her eyes before messing with the buttons on the front of her coat. "I'll be fine."

"Rachel," Noah mutters. He shifts his weight to one foot and lets his head rest against the door for a minute. "Stop pushing me away and actually talk to me."

"I don't think I have anything else to say." He lets out a small snort, his eyes rolling as he thunks his head against the door. His attitude kind of pisses her off and she finds herself responding. "Fine," she snaps, "you want me to talk? I think you're the asshole who hurt me." She stops speaking for a minute, her hands resting over her mouth. "Are you happy? Is that what you wanted to hear?" She fumbles with her gloves, almost dropping them before pulling them on, her eyes welling. "You _hurt_ me."

"I know." It takes her a second to realize that he's blocking the door and that she's not going to leave until he gets his say. She lets out a huff, her arms crossing over her chest and she finds herself avoiding his eyes. "I'm pretty sure that's why _Santana_ sent you the picture, she wanted to hurt you and fuck with me."

"Regardless," Rachel replies bitterly, "you were with _her_ in _bed_. It may have been her that sent the picture but you," she takes a deep breath willing herself to stay strong, "you _betrayed _me."

Before she really understands what's happening he's standing in front of her, his hands resting against her shoulders. She looks at his fingers for a second before looking up into his eyes, surprised by the intensity in them. "I fucking hate this," he growls. "I hate that things are like this between us. Santana is fucking with both of us and you're _letting_ her."

"I can't do this, Noah." Rachel replies honestly, "I _can't._" It feels like all the air is being sucked out of the room and all she really wants is to go home.

"One more thing," he pleads, "just one more thing and I'll let you leave." She nods her head; eyes clenched shut in a mixture of dread and anticipation. "I didn't fuck around with Santana that night, we were just hanging out and if I had any fucking idea of what she had said to you…" His body is so close to hers that she can feel each tremor that passes through him. Her hands reach up to wrap around his biceps and the anger radiating off of him is palpable.

She can hear his deep breath and then she feels his fingers sweep across her forehead, brushing her bangs out of her face. When she finally opens her eyes, she's alone.

#

It's later that night when she hears the knock on her bedroom door. Her Dad pops his head in, brow etched with concern. "Rachel, honey, you have a visitor." He pushes the door open further, revealing Finn standing behind him with a sheepish look on his face. She watches the not so subtle glances her Dad shoots her way and simply nods her head, understanding his concern.

"What's up Finn?" She closes her notebook and sets it off to the side, shifting to make room for the boy to sit next to her. He moves slowly, his eyes glancing back at the open door with a mixture of curiosity and surprise.

"Your Dad's were surprisingly nice to me, considering." He mutters in surprise. "Your Daddy even told me it was good to see me." Rachel can't help the small laugh that tumbles from her lips and she shakes her head in amusement.

"They always liked you Finn, that hasn't changed even if we aren't together anymore." She can still read the confusion and hesitance on his face. "I try not to lie to my fathers, Finn, you know that. I explained the situation and as sad as they were that we broke up, they understood your need to have a family, children."

"That's pretty cool of them."

"If there is one thing that they can relate to in this whole mess it's the longing for a child of your own." He nods his head in understanding and Rachel finds her thoughts flittering from her Dad's to Shelby and Beth. Before she can delve too deep into the thoughts, though, she changes the subject. "Kurt told me about what you did with the group and Santana."

"We may not be together anymore, but I won't stand by and let her talk to you that way." He shifts slightly, his legs stretching out along the edge of her bed. "It was a bitchy move on her part, one that I guess I should have probably seen coming."

"Santana's a big girl," Rachel mutters, "It's not your fault she didn't learn to keep her thoughts to herself."

"She's just jealous of the whole thing that you and Puck have going on." He says it offhandedly but she can tell that some part of it bothers him a bit. "You know she views him as one of her possessions so it was only a matter of time until she retaliated in some way."

"And on that note," she replies with a small sigh, "was there a reason you came over to see me or did you just want to stop and say hi to my Dads?" Finn lets out a small laugh, his hand resting against his stomach before he shakes his head.

"You were always so good at changing the subject when it was something you didn't want to talk about." She can see the wheels turning, the questions brewing in his mind. He knows better than to ask them, though, because he continues on as if the topic wasn't even discussed. "I just stopped by to see if you would like to give this whole group hang out thing another try?"

Rachel thinks about the disaster that was karaoke night and feels a small shudder rack through her body. She's not sure that she can put herself through that again knowingly. "No Santana?" she questions.

"No Santana," he promises and then smiles, "plus Kurt."

"Kurt's coming home?" She can't help the small squeal that bubbles from her lips or the small bounce that bursts out of her. He lets out a loud laugh, his head falling backwards. "I'm _so_ in."

"Knew that would get you," he tells her happily. "Friday night we'll all go to the movies or bowling or something." She nods her head, her hands clapping together in excitement. "Is there anyone else that can't be invited?" There's something in the way that he says it that tells her that he knows more about the situation between her and Noah then he's letting on.

"No," she answers honestly, "just Santana."

"It's a plan then," he replies. "It's getting late so I should probably go." He leans over and gives her a hug, his fingers brushing against her spine as he pulls away. "I promise this time the group night won't end in disaster." He smiles but she knows instantly that it's forced.

#

Rachel's fathers have always had an active part in her life and she has always been honest with them, in return they are honest with her. In a strange way it makes their relationship stronger. They've all been so quiet about their thoughts and opinions lately, though, that she's a bit surprised when her Dad brings up Finn the next night at dinner.

"So you and Finn are hanging out again?" There's no judgment in his voice and she knows that it's just a question. She also knows that her Dad and Daddy are probably much more curious about the whole situation then they are letting on.

"We're trying to be friends." Rachel tells them honestly. "We had a long talk the other night about a lot of things and we've kind of come to an understanding."

"And Noah?" her Daddy asks. "What does he think of this whole thing?"

She looks between her Fathers for a moment, her brow furrowed in concentration. "I'm not sure what he thinks of the whole situation," she shrugs her shoulders before taking a small bite of her potatoes. "Things with Noah and I are _strained_ right now."

"And you're sure Finn has nothing to do with that?" her Dad asks her with concern.

"Nothing, but Santana does," she mutters. Her Dad shoots her Daddy a look and Rachel finds herself mumbling under her breath. "I'm fine, Dad. I promise." There's something in the tone of her voice, though, that tells them both she's lying. She picks up her fork, pushing her food around on her plate a bit before picking up a piece of broccoli and putting it in her mouth.

"You're floundering." There's this look on her Dad's face that makes Rachel think of the time when she was eight and she had tried running away to New York. She had made it all the way to the Lima bus station before they had found her sitting with her suitcase on one of the benches. She can still remember the way her Dad had run into the station, his face fretful and strained.

"I'm just feeling cooped up," she whispers, "maybe I just need to get out of the house more, head to the mall or something."

"That's not the kind of floundering I'm talking about," her Dad replies with a small shake of his head. "Avoiding your problems never helps you deal with them in the long run, honey." A small look is exchanged between her Daddy and her Dad and she clearly hears her Dad sigh. "I'm sorry," he mutters, "You know what's best for you."

* * *

**The response to the last chapter was phenomenal. You guys are amazing!**

**N**


	9. Chapter 8

"_**No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds." – Red Skelton**_

Rachel's not sure what she expects when she pulls up behind Kurt at the bowling alley. It's a place she's only visited two times before, both with Finn, and the whole thing seems kind of strange and contrived. Kurt hops out of his tiny hybrid and waves at her in exasperation and she knows without even looking at him that he's thinking she's going to back out. It's imperative that she prove him wrong.

She climbs out of her car with a huff, hands tugging at the hem of her skirt nervously. Kurt seems to notice her hesitance immediately and he shoots her a sort of sad smile. "You can't see the scars," he whispers when she finally reaches his car. "It's long enough that it covers them," he hesitates for a minute, his eyes scanning the parking lot behind her. "I wouldn't steer you wrong."

And the thing is, she trusts Kurt and knows he wouldn't. He's one of only two of her friends that have seen the markings the chunks of metal left behind on her body (and her heart). There's a sort of overwhelming relief in having a true friend around to help protect her as crazy as it sounds. "I know," she replies softly, fighting back the overwhelming urge she has to hug him.

"Oh come here," he replies, pulling her into his arms for a second and patting her on the back. "Might as well get that out of the way," he teases. She feels the laughter bubble from her throat and pulls back with a genuine smile on her face.

"I've missed you, Kurt."

"Likewise, diva." He whispers with a wink.

#

The bowling alley is surprisingly packed for a Thursday night and almost every lane is taken. It's also crazy noisy; there is music blaring from a few speakers overhead and the constant crash of a ball hitting the pins. Finn and Brittany are standing down by lane eleven and it's obvious before she even approaches the two of them that they are arguing. Kurt stops at the desk to grab shoes for the both of them and motions for her to join their group.

It isn't until she gets closer that she realizes exactly why Finn looks so upset. Santana is sitting in the score keeper's chair, her fingers typing away at the keys. There is a kind of smug satisfaction on Santana's face as she turns around and wiggles her fingers at Rachel. Finn looks up and sees Rachel, lets out a small kind of groan, and then mutters a few choice words under his breath.

She's pretty sure he didn't invite Santana, but it still feels like a slap in the face to see her there.

"I…" she pauses as she tries to form the words in her head, "excuse me." She turns around and walks the other direction, not even bothering to stop when Kurt calls her name. The air outside is cool against her heated skin and she leans against the brick entryway as she tries desperately not to just give up and leave.

She closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath of cool air, letting it linger in her lungs. "You can do this, Rachel," she whispers to herself, "you're not backing out now." A loud snort startles her and she opens her eyes meeting a pair of hazel brown ones that stare at her with curiosity.

"Wasn't it you who told me the first sign of insanity was talking to yourself?" he ponders with a small smirk. "Or was it only if you answered yourself?" He continues, "I can never remember."

"Probably all of the above," she replies with a small, sad smile. "You can go on in, Noah. They are on lane 11."

He shakes his head softly, letting his back lean against the bricks beside her. "You'll find a way to talk yourself out of going back in there." He tilts his head towards the door, one eyebrow raised in question. They stand in silence for a few minutes, neither of them really sure what to say to the other. "Just tell me what's going on," he mutters.

"Santana's here." The words come out sharp, bitter on her tongue. "It seems like she's purposefully trying to mess with me, to get under my skin."

"She probably is." He turns towards her, his shoulder pressing gently against hers as he talks. "I figured she would find out about tonight one way or another and show up." She lets out a small huff her bangs tumbling into her eyes as she thinks about his words. "You're better than her Rach, you always have been and that's why she's targeting you. Don't let her bitchiness ruin your night, not this time" His last words come out soft and she finds herself looking up at him in silence.

His fingers reach out and swipe her bangs behind her ear lingering next to her jaw for just a moment before he pulls them away. Her breath catches in her throat and she can feel the tension in the air, the unspoken things still lingering between them.

"Noah," she whispers softly, "I…"

"I know," he answers. The sky is getting darker, casting a soft glow across the parking lot and Rachel finds herself looking up at the setting sun. When she turns back to look at him, his eyes are on her. There is a sort of intensity in the way he looks at her and she finds herself struggling to take a breath again. "I'm sorry," he answers, "for my part in something that caused you pain."

Her hand rests against his chest and she can feel his heart beating through the material. She's just opening her mouth to speak when a throat clears behind him.

"I've been sent to collect you," Kurt replies airily. "And Satan promises to behave." He looks between the two of them with a mixture of awe and amusement, his head shaking. "Come on, Rach. You're on my team." His fingers wrap around her wrist and pull her through the doorway. She looks back just once at Noah before the door closes behind her.

#

"We're totally kicking your ass," Noah whispers his breath tickling her ear. She lets out a small scoff her eyes focused on the scoreboard above her.

"Only because you guys are cheating," she replies loud enough for all of their friends to hear. "And you have Finn who practically lived here during high school," she continues.

"I don't know, Rach." Finn replies tauntingly, "maybe we need to put up the bumpers to even the playing field." She can hear Brittany, Mercedes, and Santana's laughter and she finds her hands on her hips, her eyes burning a hole into the side of Finn's head. He turns and smiles at her sheepishly a small laugh escaping his lips.

"Nice, dude." Noah replies with a roll of his eyes, "Way to piss her off."

The next time it's her turn she picks up the pink ball and lobs it at the pins with all of her might. When she peeks through her hands to see all of the pins knocked down, she twirls around and sticks her tongue out at Finn. "Take that Mr." she grumbles with a huff.

Finn smiles at her and shakes her head muttering something about girls and luck that she chooses to ignore. Kurt's eyes are wide and she looks at him smirking as she claps her hands. "Rachel," his voice is high, tight, "walk with me to the soda machine."

She gets three steps before she hears Santana's next words. "What the fuck was that?"

Kurt keeps his hand gripped around her arm and pulls her away from their friends quickly. When they get to the soda machines, he keeps his grasp and pulls her further down the alley. They get all the way to the restrooms before he grabs her shirt and skirt and tugs down on them.

"Fuck," he mutters under his breath. "Damn it." She looks down realizing how high the two items were hiked, her eyes wide.

"How much did they see?" she questions.

"Well I saw panty and I wasn't even trying to look," Kurt answers gently. "And I could kind of make out a few of the scars on your upper thigh when your skirt flipped up."

Rachel takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "We're going to go back to the soda machine and buy a few drinks," she tells him, "and then we are going to go back and pretend that nothing happened."

"Alright," he replies wryly, "no more spinning."

"Right," she answers with a tinge of sarcasm, "wouldn't want to show any more panty tonight."

"Look at it this way," Kurt smirks, "it's not anything Puck and Finn haven't seen before."

"KURT!" she smacks his arm, her head shaking and her face red. He lets out a small laugh and winks at her. She can't help but laugh in response.

"Well that was all the conformation I needed," he mutters with a laugh.

"I'm so not responding to that," she mumbles with a shake of her head and a small laugh. It's tense when they make it back to the group, a sort of quiet has settled over them and they are all watching her carefully.

"Now that we've all seen Rachel's panties," Kurt announces, "I say it's only fair we see the rest of yours." He looks between Noah and Finn for a moment, eyebrows raised. "No takers," he shrugs and bumps against Rachel's shoulder, "_such_ a pity."

She can't help but laugh.

Her face is beat red and her hands rest against her stomach as she flops back into the plastic chair and lets the giggles burst from her. "Kurt," she gasps, "please never change."

"Wouldn't dream of it," he answers her as he flops down in the seat next to her.

#

They play three games before they decide to call it a night. The air is crisp and cold and when she steps outside it kind of takes her breath away and brings tears to her eyes. "I'll be calling you tomorrow," Kurt hollers to her as he unlocks his car door, "we have got to have a sleepover before I head back to California."

"I'm in," she hears Mercedes call from somewhere across the parking lot.

"Dad and Daddy are gone until Monday," she calls to Kurt, "so anytime this weekend is good for me." He nods his acknowledgement and Rachel climbs into her cold car, tugging on her gloves as she turns the key in the ignition.

The house is dark and quiet when she gets home and it's kind of soothing after all the noise of the bowling alley. She throws her car keys on the entryway table and lays her gloves next to them as she flips on the hallway light. It's still early and she feels almost restless as she takes off her coat and throws it over one of the dining room chairs.

"Now what," she murmurs as she looks around the empty room.

#

It's late at night when she hears the front door open and click closed. The TV casts a low blue light over the room and it takes her a second to realize that she must have fallen asleep watching a movie. Her hands reach up to rub at her eyes and she listens to the soft steps with a small smile.

"Eventually," she mumbles, "someone is going to see you sneaking into our house and call the police to report an intruder."

He lets out a small scoff, his hands picking up her feet and then laying them down across his lap. "I'm stealthy, Rach, like a ninja."

"Right," she mutters, "that's why I heard you coming." His hands brush against the back of her calves and she sucks in a breath her eyes clenching tight. "What are you doing here anyways Noah?"

"You announced in a fucking parking lot full of people that you were going home to an empty house," his shoulders shrug and he kind of smirks at her, "figured you'd need me to keep you safe."

"That's very chivalrous of you," she replies softly, "but I could have just turned on the security system."

His fingers move a little higher, brushing against the back of her knee and she has to literally bite her lip to keep a sound from escaping. "But I'm _so much_ better," he whispers. She can feel the blush forming on her cheeks and spreading down her neck. It's quiet and she can hear her breaths as they pant from her lips.

"Plus," he continues with a smirk, "You forgot to turn the security system on _and_ I wasn't done with our little talk from earlier." He moves his fingers just slightly, his fingertips brushing against the underside of her knee once again and she's so distracted all she can really do is hum in response.

She must be more tired than she realizes because she lets out a loud yawn, her hand reaching up to cover her mouth. He lets out a small laugh, his hands resting against her ankles as he speaks. "Why don't we get you to bed and we can finish this conversation in the morning?"

"Yep," she murmurs her eyes squinting as she watches him stand. "Carry me?" she questions softly, another yawn escaping her lips. He lets out another small laugh, his hands wrapping around her as he lifts her from the couch.

"Don't get used to it," he teases.

* * *

**I know I haven't gotten to the review replies yet, but I figured you'd all like a new chapter a bit more. Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read.**

**So I was playing bowling on X-box kinect the other day and I totally rocked it which is kind of hillarious since I totally suck at bowling in real life. (Just between you and me I think the bumpers are _AWESOME!) _lol**

**N**


	10. Chapter 9

"_**Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all." – Emily Dickinson**_

It's a comfortable feeling the way their limbs are tangled together, bodies snug against one another. Rachel lets her head rest against Noah's chest and listens to the sound of his breathing through the darkness. She had been able to fall asleep easily, a kind of warmth and slumber encasing her the moment her head touched his chest, but it didn't keep her sleeping through the night or the thoughts away.

"I can practically hear your thinking," he murmurs. His voice is grainy, strained and she can hear his fatigue.

"I'm sorry I woke you," she replies softly, "I didn't mean to." Almost unconsciously she shifts her weight away from him as she debates getting out of bed. He lets her shift for a moment before one of his hands snakes over the small of her back and up her spine pulling her closer to him. "Noah," she whispers. His fingers tangle in her hair and she listens to his soft hum and tries to ignore the fluttering in her stomach.

There's always been this invisible line between them, something that she knows they are dangerously close to crossing. The thought of taking that next step kind of terrifies her. Somehow, in some way, he's become her best friend and she can't lose that. She's not sure what she would do if she did.

"Go back to sleep, Rach," he mumbles. His fingers tug slightly on the ends of her hair and she finds her eyes clenching tight as she takes a deep breath. She can't help but wonder how much different they could be, how much more they could have if they really tried. And that thought gives her all the courage she needs.

Rachel tilts her face towards his in the darkness, their eyes meeting. "Noah," she whimpers. He shifts slightly and she can hear the rustle of her sheets with each move that he makes. It's quiet, a kind of heaviness settling in the room around them. She feels the breath that escapes his lips just before they brush against her forehead and then her chin and she can't help the way her eyes clench tight.

Then he leans down and gently brushes his lips against hers.

It's soft, tentative at first. His hands wrap in her hair, pulling her tighter, closer and she moves her hands to his shoulders, her fingers digging into the flesh as she braces herself. Her head feels hazy, full of all these thoughts and emotions that she can't put into words. She shifts closer to him, her hands pulling more of his weight down on top of her.

There's something burning in Noah's eyes when he pulls back, his breaths echoing in the air around them. He looks at her for just a moment before he lowers his mouth down against her neck, his lips burning the skin as he moans her name. "Rachel."

"Noah," she cries, her hands shifting to grip at the back of his neck. It feels like he's consuming her, every part of her. His fingers sear her skin as they untangle from her hair and run down the length of her arms. He twists the bottom of her tank top, his fingers running along the bare skin and her body trembles with nerves and something else. She thinks briefly of her scars as he brushes the pad of his thumb across one of them and feels her eyes clenching tight in anxiousness.

"It's alright," he whispers, his teeth nipping at the flesh of her neck as his fingers continue to trace the lines marring her stomach, "it's me and you're safe."

As he moves lower, his fingers tugging the edge of her top up and exposing the marks, she lets out a small sigh. He presses kisses gently along the lines marring her features, her stomach shuddering and her back arching as the cries tumble from her mouth.

She's definitely not afraid.

#

She listens to the sounds of their breathing, the way they resonate through the room, and feels her heart pounding through her chest. It's intense, overwhelming, and she clenches her eyes tight as his name tumbles from her lips and fireworks burst through her body.

He hovers over her for a minute afterwards, his arms shaking as he rests his forehead against hers. He presses a small kiss to the corner of her mouth before he lies down beside her, pulling her tightly to his chest.

"Rachel," he murmurs, his fingers brushing along the sweaty strands of her hair, "thank you for trusting me."

They fall back asleep entwined.

#

The sun is shining brightly through her bedroom window when Rachel finally wakes up. She lets out a small hum of contentment as she stretches out her arms and curls her toes. She can't help but feel surprised at how well she slept, how late she slept. Ever since the accident, sleeping had been an issue for her (as had the dreams that had followed) and it had been quite awhile since she had gotten a truly good night's sleep.

She feels the bed shift behind her and she listens to the rustling of the sheets smiling softly to herself. A small squeal escapes her lips when two warm hands encase her bare stomach and pull her backwards.

"Morning," Noah mumbles, his nose nuzzling her hair. She can feel the heat pooling in her cheeks, but that doesn't stop her from smiling as she rolls over to look at the man next to her.

"Good morning."

He places a small peck on her forehead, his hands playing with the ends of her hair as he looks down at her smiling softly. She's always had trouble quieting her mind and ignoring the little things which is why she suddenly can't help but think about how this changes everything.

"You're doing that thinking thing again," he murmurs, his hands move from her shoulders to her back, kneading the flesh as he watches her. There are still so many things that they have to talk about and there are definitely things that she needs to ask him. The thing is though, the moment feels kind of perfect and she doesn't want to ruin it by diving head first into all the drama of her life.

"Sorry," Rachel can't help the small laugh that escapes her lips, "it's kind of instinctual at this point."

He chuckles slightly, his hand dipping a bit lower on her back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Maybe later?" she replies softly, "I need to process first." Noah nods his head in understanding, his fingers tapping along the edge of her spine as he brushes a small kiss against her cheek. He burrows his face into her neck and hair, his breath warm against her skin.

"I'm here when you want to talk," he promises.

#

Rachel's not really sure what to expect when Kurt and Mercedes arrive a couple of hours later. The three of them make their way into her living room and she finds herself sitting Indian style on the couch just watching the other two catch up. There are all of these thoughts flittering about in her head and she's having a hard time concentrating, so she's kind of grateful that they don't really notice how quiet and unfocused she's being.

It isn't until they are all sitting at the dining room table snacking on popcorn and pizza that she joins the conversation. She tells them how much she loves (loved) New York and how much it means to her that her Dad and Daddy are moving out to be closer to her. She talks about her roommates and how tiny their dorm room is.

"That's all fine and good," Mercedes tells her, "but that's not really telling us how _you're_ doing."

She takes a sip of her water, her eyes focusing on the paper plate in front of her as she tries to determine how to respond. Sure she has her good days and her bad days like everyone else. But there are also some days where she really isn't even sure herself how she is and those are almost worse than the bad days. It's a new feeling and it's kind of terrifying.

"I'm getting by," she replies softly with a shrug of her shoulders, "living the best that I can." The answer sounds rehearsed, almost fake, and she hates that it comes across that way. The thing is, though, there are still so many things unspoken between all of them, especially her and Mercedes. While Kurt had flown in to be with her after the accident and the resulting fallout, Mercedes had been too busy with school and her internship to make it up to see her. When all of the debris had settled, she and Mercedes friendship had just been one of the many casualties of that day.

"A lot of things changed after the accident, Mer." Kurt replies softly, "A lot of people changed because of it. There are things about the days and weeks following it that I think none of us really want to dwell on."

It feels good, knowing that Kurt has her back and is there supporting her and her decision to keep some things private. Mercedes looks between the two of them for a moment, her head nodding in understanding. Rachel knows that it's probably not easy for her and that makes her all the more grateful. The table is quiet, a sort of heaviness falling over them as they continue to munch on their food quietly.

"I have something we can gossip about," Kurt exclaims after a minute, his eyes twinkling as he smirks at Rachel. "Why don't you, my dear friend, tell us what's going on between you and Puck." She can feel the blush flood her cheeks and listens to Mercedes and Kurt laughing as she tries to figure out how to respond.

"I'm not really sure," she chooses to answer honestly; "he's probably one of my best friends right now which makes the whole thing all the more confusing."

"Admit it," Mercedes chimes in, "You want a piece of that."

"Who's saying I only want a piece?" Rachel replies with a small smile, her hands covering her face in embarrassment as the laughter bubbles from all of their mouths.

#

_Everything's spinning around her, spinning faster and faster. She reaches her hand out to try and grab onto something, to try and anchor herself somehow, but everything is out of her reach. There's a scream of terror bubbling in her throat and as hard as she tries, the sound won't pass her lips._

She wakes up with a scream caught in her throat and sweat pouring down her forehead. It takes her a moment to orient herself, to realize that she's sleeping in her living room instead of in the comfort of her bed. There is a faint sound of snoring and she sits up and looks at her two friends as she tries to catch her breath and calm her racing heart.

There are all these images blurring and spinning in her mind and it's so frustrating and confusing that all she really wants to do is scream. She figures a bottle of water is the next best thing. She slides out of her sleeping bag and tiptoes into the kitchen, reaching blindly into the cabinet as her hand wraps around a small glass with a large gold star. She takes a few gulps of water, her eyes scanning the room before she lets out a small sigh.

Her phone is lying on the counter next to an empty pizza box and she looks at the clock for just a second before picking it up, her fingers moving along the keys.

_Are you up?-RB_

Rachel feels antsy, alert, and as she waits for a response to her message she twirls the cup on the counter watching the item spin in front of her. The star blurs as it twists and turns and it makes something inside of her burn. She stops the glass suddenly, her breathing ragged.

_I thought Kurt and 'Cedes were there?-NP_

She looks down at the message on her screen, her brow furrowing as she tries to formulate a response. While honesty is almost always the best policy, she's been good about keeping her nightmares away from her fathers and from Noah. She's scarred and it kind of pisses her off that she can't really explain why.

_They are. Come over.-RB_

It doesn't take long for his response and she looks down at the words with a mixture of frustration and anger.

_No booty calls when the friends are over.-NP_

It's obvious that he's trying to be light, trying to make a joke, but she's not really in the mood for funny. Needing him, being open and honest with him, it's all kind of new and terrifying and she really doesn't want to have to spell everything out for him. So she pretends like she didn't see his text.

_Please come over?-RB_

Her phone starts ringing almost immediately and she picks it up quickly afraid the noise will wake her guests in the other room. The first thing she hears is Finn and Artie talking in the background. It sounds like the receiver is muffled and she waits a minute until it clears.

"Hello," Noah's voice is quiet and it's pretty obvious that he's busy and it kind of upsets her more than it should.

"Never mind," she mutters, her voice cracking slightly. She swallows tightly and ignores the way her eyes are burning, "I didn't realize you were with the guys."

"Are you crying?" He doesn't wait for a response before he utters a few curses under his breath. "What's wrong? What did Kurt and Mercedes do?" Finn is hollering something in the background and her stomach kind of flops; she can taste the bile in her throat. She's just wondering if he's said anything to Finn about them when she hears him whispering her name again. "Rachel?"

"I'll let you go," she replies mechanically, her hand snapping her phone shut and then flipping it to silent. By the time she makes it to her bedroom she's shaking. Not sure if it's from the cold or something else she wraps herself in her comforter and sits on her bed, her eyes watering. She hates being scared of something she can't control, of feeling weak.

Her head rests against the headboard of her bed and she lets her eyes close, forcing the thoughts from her mind.

#

There's a feeling of being lifted, her body shifting through the darkness. The comforter is tugged out from around her and she lets out a soft whine, her hands grasping for the warmth it provided.

"Shhh," it's a whisper she can hear through the blackness, "I've got you."

She feels the bed and her pillow underneath her, feels someone moving next to her, and then the comforter is pulled up over the both of them. Two warm arms wrap around her and pull her back, her body flush against his warmth.

"I thought," she murmurs brokenly.

"I know," he mumbles gruffly, "but you needed me." She lets out a small hum, her hands twining with his as they rest against her stomach. "The guys can manage without me, but we're going to be talking about what happened tonight in the morning."

"Kay," she mutters sleepily, "Noah, you chase my nightmares away."

She feels the small kiss against the back of her head and hears the small sigh that escapes his lips. "Night Rach," he whispers.

* * *

**I know the chapters a little late (and that I'm behind on review replies), but work's been extremely exhausting these last two weeks. Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read. You guys all know how much I heart you, right?**

**N**


	11. Chapter 10

"_**It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." - Aristotle **_

It's dark and cloudy the next morning, the sky threatening more snow when Rachel finally wakes up. She's disoriented at first, a kind of hazy awareness that something in her room has changed. Rolling onto her side she looks at Noah's sleeping form, her eyes tracing the lines of his face and smiling at the way his mouth pouted in his sleep.

"Watching me sleep is kind of creepy-stalkerish," he whispers, his eyes opening to look at her. He threads his hands through her hair and pulls her closer, humming slightly as he chuckles at the shocked look on her face. "I'm fucking with you, Rach."

"Jerk," she teases, slapping his arm lightly before letting her head rest back against her pillow. The room is silent and while it's not uncomfortable, they both know that it can't last that way for very long. "Kurt and Mercedes are downstairs," she murmurs.

Noah rolls on his side, his head resting against his arm as he looks down at her. "They left over an hour ago," he mumbles, "after they poked their heads in your room and saw the two of us lying in bed together." There is amusement in his tone and he kind of rolls his eyes a bit as he laughs. "I think Kurt pissed himself and Mercedes looked way too proud for her own good."

"Well I'll be getting lots of calls later," she replies, "and I feel horrible. I am such a poor hostess." He presses a small kiss to her forehead, his hands sweeping her hair out of her face as he looks down at her, his brow furrowing in concern.

"Tell me about your nightmares," he whispers, "and why you felt like you had to hide them from me."

She bites her bottom lip as she thinks, her teeth digging into the flesh. When she finally talks her voice is soft, distant. "They started right after the accident," she lets out a small sigh her eyes closing as she thinks. "I felt like I had lost everything and my world was spinning out of control around me. I was so hopeless, so lost and confused, and I was having trouble sleeping anyways." She clears her throat, her mind whirring with thoughts. "One night it all just kind of hit me; Finn was so distant, Kurt was torn between the two of us, and my Dad and Daddy were struggling almost as much as I was. You were the only one who was the same, Noah, the only one who hadn't changed so completely and it terrified me."

A few tears trickle down her cheeks and she opens her eyes, meeting his as she continues. "And even with all the support everyone was giving me, I was scared and I felt alone." She feels the pad of his thumb as he brushes a few of her tears away and a small hiccup escapes her lips. "Back then my dreams were filled with babies crying, the crunch of metal, and the sound of sirens wailing through the air. It was all things that could be attributed to the accident and I figured that they would go away with time and they did."

"My dreams are different now," she lets out a sad sigh, "more abstract and terrifying in so many ways. They always end the same though, with everything around me spinning out of control and me grasping through the darkness desperate for something to hang on to." He reaches down, his hand weaving through the one lying next to her on the bed and she can't help but look up and into his eyes. "They've been happening less frequently though, so the one last night just kind of caught me off guard."

She watches him digest the information, a kind of sadness marring his features. "How come you never told me about these before?" he questions. He squeezes her hand softly as a show of support and even though she doesn't feel like she needs to, she thinks about it.

"Because," Rachel replies, "I didn't want to worry you when it felt like something I was gaining control over." Her thumb runs along the side of his hand as she continues to speak. "It felt like it was something that I needed to concur on my own, as silly as that sounds. It was like if I could get through this then I could get through anything."

"It makes sense," he mumbles, "but I don't like the fact that you kept it from me. We've known each other for quite awhile now, Rach, and I want you to be able to come to me about _anything_."

"Then the same goes for you," she tells him, "just keep that in mind." There is feistiness in her voice when she speaks the words and she can't help the small smile she shoots his way.

"Deal," he promises shooting her a smirk in return. "Hey Rach," he mutters after a minute, "I'm going to kiss you now, just wanted to tell you."

She can't help the laugh that escapes her mouth as he presses his lips against hers.

#

As a way to make it up to Kurt and Mercedes, she finds herself meeting them at the local mall later that afternoon. It's a few weeks before Christmas and the minute she sees the packed parking lot she regrets her decision. Before she can even contemplate backing out, she gets out of her car and stomps her way through the snow and into the door leading to the food court.

They eat lunch at Panera, letting idle chit-chat and gossip carry the conversation. She knows almost immediately that the two of them are dying to dig deeper about her relationship with Noah and as frustrating as it is, it's also amusing.

"So that was an eventful sleepover," Kurt muses with a crook of his eyebrow and a small smirk. "I didn't know that we were allowed to have boys over as well." She takes a large drink of her lemonade, her cheeks flushing as she shrugs her shoulders in response.

"You two sure looked cozy," Mercedes pries, "almost like it wasn't the first time you'd shared a bed before." Kurt lets out a small squeal and she can't help the amused laugh that escapes her lips or the way she shakes her head in response.

"You guys are too much," she tells them honestly. "I'm not sure what is going on between Noah and me, but I will say that I trust him and he makes me happy." She pauses for just a moment, a small smile on her face as she continues. "I think that's all that really matters."

"The return of Puckleberry," Kurt replies with a clap of his hands, "I'm calling it!" Mercedes lets out a bellowing laugh and Rachel can't help but join in with her, a flush lighting her cheeks. "Now who's up for some shopping?"

#

When she pulls into her driveway a few hours later, she's unsurprised to find a truck parked on the street in front of her house. Carrying her purchases inside, Rachel can't help but let out a small laugh at the man lounging on her couch.

"I swear Puckerman," she jibes as she closes the door behind her, "I'm starting to think you're using me as a way to escape your house over break." She turns just in time to see him rolling his eyes at her and she can't help but stick her tongue out in response.

"My Mom _is_ driving me nuts," he replies, "but I thought that with your Dads being gone and all that you could use some company again tonight." He pauses for just a moment, a wicked smile on his face. "And I wouldn't be sticking that tongue out at me if I were you, Rachel." There's a teasing quality to his tone, one that makes her stop for a second to look at him.

A squeak breaks free from her lips, followed by a laugh, and she drops her bags by the door her feet racing up the stairs. A minute later, she hears his footsteps following her. He catches her at the top of the stairs, his arms wrapping around her waist and tugging her to the ground. "Gotcha," he whispers, his lips brushing against the shell of her ear. She can't help the small shiver that makes its way down her spine.

He has this smug look on his face when she turns to look at him, one that makes her smile as well. "What are you going to do with me now that you've caught me?" she questions, letting her voice quiver a bit on the words for effect. They both know she's playing it up but neither of them really care. He lets out a small hum, pretending to think and she chuckles under her breath.

"So many things," he murmurs, his nose nuzzling the hair by her ear.

#

On Monday afternoon her Dad and Daddy return. She sits on their bed and talks with them while they unload their suitcases. They like to use their unpacking time as a way to talk about things they missed or to chat about their trip and it's kind of become a tradition for the three of them. Rachel listens as they tell her all about their trip to Vegas. Between the shows they saw, their gambling, and their shopping she's almost positive they didn't sleep the entire time they were there. When they finish their stories, she tells them about bowling, about having Kurt and Mercedes over for a sleepover, and about hanging out with Noah.

"So you've finally gotten things resolved between the two of you?" her Daddy questions. Rachel can't help but laugh when her Dad shushes her father, shooting her a sympathetic look.

"Stop being such a mother-hen," her Dad chastises with a cluck of his tongue, "we've been home for an hour and you're already questioning her on the status of her relationships." She can hear the amusement in his voice as he speaks and she can't help but smile in response to the two of them.

"Noah and I are good," she tells them both, shrugging her shoulders, "I think we're better than good actually." She can feel the blush flooding her cheeks and she lets out a small giggle, her hands covering her face.

"You owe me ten dollars, Elijah." She looks up at her Dad a mixture of amazement and shock and can't help the sound that escapes her lips.

"You guys were betting on us?" she questions. It annoys her that her voice doesn't sound more indignant.

"It was pretty obvious," her Dad moves to sit next to her, letting his hand rest against her shoulder, "that there were feelings there. We both saw it, didn't we dear?" She hears her Daddy hum from his closet and she can't help but feel like she's missing something. "When we left on Thursday I merely bet your Daddy that something would happen this weekend between the two of you and" he lets out a dramatic gasp, "I was clearly right." She's obviously been hanging out with Noah too much, because she can't help the eye roll she shoots her Daddy.

"There was something else we wanted to talk to you about," her Daddy prompts. He moves from his closet to sit on the bed beside her, a sad smile on his face. "This being home, not doing anything, it's not good for you honey and your Dad and I are just worried about you." She looks between her Dad and Daddy for a moment, her head nodding in understanding. "Now I know you've been spending time with your friends but my secretary at work is requesting some time off and I thought that you could maybe work some of the hours."

"It's a win-win," her Dad pops into the conversation and she can see the enthusiasm on his face , "you'd make a little bit of extra money for when you go back to school and your father doesn't have to hire a temp over the holiday season."

Their request is reasonable and she knows that they only have her best interest at heart. It's not very often they ask something of her and she hates to turn them down when they do. "Of course, I'd love to," she tells them with a shrug of her shoulders. She tries not to think about what the job will entail.

* * *

**A special thanks to they loyal readers and reviewers. You guys _always_ make me smile.**

**Until next time,**

**N**


	12. Chapter 11

"_**Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." –Lao Tzu**_

They're sitting together on the couch, some random action movie on in the background when he looks at her and asks the question that they've both been avoiding.

"What are we, Rach?" Noah wonders, his eyes focusing on her instead of the screen in front of them. It's almost ironic in a way that he would be the one to bring it up and she finds herself speechless, struggling to answer.

It had been two years since she had been in a serious relationship and it had turned out even worse than she had ever imagined it could. There had been a few horrendous but casual dates that had never really turned into anything, but that was kind of how she had intended for them to be. Her relationship with Noah, though, was different. He was her best friend and she relied on him far more than was probably healthy. What would happen to her if she lost him as well?

"I don't really know," she told him honestly. "This is all kind of new and terrifying for me." She's not really sure what else to say but she knows that they can't continue to put the conversation off. Reaching over and pausing the movie, she twists sideways to look at him. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm not even sure myself," he replies softly, "but fuck, Rach I never knew that being with someone could feel like this." He pauses for a moment, his hand brushing through the stubble on his head before he lets out a sigh. "The moment I saw you lying in that hospital bed I knew I was in, all in. I didn't give a fuck that you were still Hudson's or that you can't have kids. All I saw was you lying there broken and I knew that I had to fix you."

"Noah," she whispers letting the word linger in the air between them.

"The way you feel in my arms when we lay in bed late at night, the way your breaths pant against my neck, the way you say my name, it's so fucking maddening. I'm done fighting against it, done denying the way I feel because I love you. I have for awhile now."

They sat together on the couch, neither of them really saying anything. He reached over then, as if knowing her apprehension, and gently grabbed her hand lightly brushing his lips against it before holding it tightly in his own. A sigh escaped Rachel's lips as she leaned her head to rest upon his shoulder.

"You're kind of everything to me, Noah," her voice comes out soft, timid. "I love you too."

He leaned in slowly his lips meeting her softly, just barely brushing hers. She brought her hand that was holding his around his neck and wrapped it in the small tuff of hair that lay there. He continued to place gentle kisses on her lips and she was surprised at the emotions they were raising in her. He leaned his forehead against hers as he deepened the kiss, causing her hand to tug on his hair and him to nip her bottom lip. She angled her neck adding more pressure and she could feel him moving to lay over her, continuing to kiss her.

After a moment he pulled away panting slightly and brushed a gentle kiss on her forehead before burying his head in her hair.

"Forget the movie," he murmured, "Let's just lay like this for awhile."

"I would like that," Rachel replied softly resting her head against his chest and curling her hands against him over his heart.

#

The snow was pouring from the sky and smattering the ground with a slick sludge that made it difficult to maneuver through the city. Tugging on the edge of one of the scrub tops her Daddy had bought her, Rachel made her way out of the parking ramp and into the large hospital sighing as the heat his her face. The lobby was quiet, a few scattered people sitting in chairs and moving about their business.

Stopping at the coffee shop, she ordered a large coffee her eyes squinting at the clock on the wall in annoyance. It had been years since she had been up this early and it was something she was going to have to get used to again (at least for the next few weeks). Brushing a bit of the remaining snow off of her hat and tugging off her gloves, Rachel held the cup of coffee in her hands and let the warmth seep through her bones.

Taking the office key out of her pocket, she unlocked the doors to her Daddies office and set to work organizing the severely messy desk. There were files sitting in stacks all over the counter and post-it notes placed all around the monitor of the computer with reminders. Logging into the computer and pulling up the scheduling system she let out a small sigh. The calendar was packed with kids needing to see the doctor and she knew without a doubt that it was going to be a long day.

Grabbing a stack of files and lugging them towards the stacks in the back, she couldn't help but muse about how unpredictable her job was. It was only her second day at work but she had already learned to expect the unexpected. From screaming/crying kids to almost getting vomited on, her first day had been one for the books. But today she was mentally prepared and more comfortable with the new computer system and surroundings, so she told herself it would be better.

She still packed a change of clothes, though. Just in case.

#

It was an hour before lunch when Shelby walked in with Beth on her hip. Both of them looked tired and disheveled, tear streaks present on their faces. "Rachel," Shelby spoke calmly her eyes settling on her daughter, "Beth is running a really high temperature and the nurses in ER said that they were so backlogged that it would be at least an hour before a doctor could see her. I was hoping there was some way that you guys could squeeze us in?"

Pulling up the schedule, Rachel frowned slightly as she looked at all of the filled blocks. "Let me check with Dr. Berry, "she replied softly, "and see where he's at." Grabbing a clipboard and a few admission sheets, Rachel made her way back into the patient rooms stopping when she heard her Daddy soothing a crying child.

Knocking on the door, she took a deep breath and stuck her head in, smiling softly at the worried mother. "Dr. Berry when you get a second I need to speak with you please." Her Daddy looked at her and nodded, patting the small child on the head as he explained that some blood would need to be taken before he followed her out of the room.

"Shelby's in the waiting room with Beth and is wondering if you can see her." The worlds tumbled from her lips as Rachel tried not to think about the situation and how awkward it actually was. "Beth's running a high fever and they can't see her in the ER for quite awhile. The schedule, however, is full and I wasn't sure if you would have time for one more patient or if I should send her back to the ER and have her wait."

Her Daddy eyed her for a minute, a mixture of sadness and understanding lining his features. "Why don't you stick them in room four and I will pop my head in when I get a moment." He paused for a second, his eyes roaming over her features with a sad smile. "Even if I'm not sure what you're thinking I know that this has got to be hard for you," he whispered. Pulling her into a small hug, he patted her back lovingly. "Go to lunch early and take a little extra time. By the time you get back I promise they will both be gone."

#

Sitting at one of the small tables in the cafeteria, Rachel picked at her salad and flipped the page in one of her books as a small sigh escaped her lips. As hard as it was for her to admit there were aspects of the job that were draining for her; both physically and mentally. Not only were the kids more demanding and less able to tell you what was wrong, but they also tugged on her heartstrings in a way that words couldn't really explain.

She had known the moment her father asked her to work that the job was going to be hard. Being around so many sick kids, some with life threatening illnesses, was hard on anyone. What she hadn't been expecting, though, was the way her heart ached at the end of every day and the emptiness that seemed to make its presence known throughout the day. It only made the reality of her situation all the more real.

"Rachel?" a voice questioned. It startled her out of her revere and she was surprised to find Eva Puckerman standing with a tray in her hands looking down at her in surprise. "May I join you?" Nodding her head and flipping her book closed, Rachel smiled at the woman and took a small sip of her bottled water. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm helping do some temp work in my Daddies office over the holiday season," she explained with a small shrug. "I have a hard time telling him no when he asks me a favor." Her nose scrunched up a bit as she let out a small laugh at Eva's knowing glance.

"That can't be easy though, dear, can it?" Eva questioned. "Elijah and Daniel obviously weren't thinking when they thought that idea up. How are you holding up?"

"It's hard," Rachel replied honestly, "harder than I ever thought it would be." Taking a small bite of lettuce, she thought for a moment before continuing. "It makes me think about everything more than I have before. It's hard sometimes to admit that no matter how much time goes by, I still have things I haven't worked through."

"Sometimes we need time to work through things like this," Eva replied as she patted her softly on the hand, "It's understandable that new situations and experiences would bring up things that you may not have thought about before."

"I've been trying to look on the bright side," Rachel shrugged, "like the fact that just because I can't have kids doesn't mean I can't ever be a Mom. For the longest time after the accident I thought it meant the idea of being a parent was out of my life forever." Letting out a small sigh, she looked at Eva for a minute. "There's always adoption or surrogacy. And I know that it's not the same thing as having a child of your own but it doesn't mean you love that child any less. I mean look at my Dad's."

"I'm so proud of you, Rachel." Eva whispered as she dabbed at her eyes with a napkin. "So proud of how you've handled yourself these last few years. You've grown into such a strong, independent, wonderful woman."

Taking another sip of her water, she looked at the woman in front of her and smiled. "I've had a lot of support to help get me to where I am today."

"At least my boy did one thing right," Eva replied with a small wink and a loud laugh.

"I think it was probably more than one thing," Rachel replied earnestly, a small blush lighting her cheeks. "I'm not really sure if Noah's said anything to you yet or not but we're kind of together now."

"It's been heading that way for awhile now," Eva smirked, "I wondered what was taking the two of you so long." Letting out a loud laugh, Rachel couldn't help but shrug her shoulders and smile.

"We're both a little hardheaded."

"That's putting it mildly," Eva murmured. "Wait until I tell those nosy gossips at synagogue that my Noah is dating _the _Rachel Berry. I can't wait to see the look on their faces."

#

"I kind of love your Mom," Rachel whispers in Noah's ear as he tugs on the end of her tank top later that afternoon. The pad of his thumb brushes along the edge of her hipbone and she lets out a small groan, her eyes clenching tight.

"Probably not as much as she loves you," he replies with a chuckle. "I think her head nearly exploded when I told her that we were _fucking finally_ together." His head moved from her hair down her neck, his lips latching onto the flesh as he pulled at it with his teeth.

"I had lunch with her today," a small groan escapes her lips and she reaches down, pulling his head up to meet hers. "She's so wonderful, Noah." Sucking his lip into her mouth, letting her teeth nip at it for a moment before lathing it with her tongue, she pushed him away slightly. "I love how proud she is of us, both of us."

His mouth once again took over her lips before moving to across her cheek. He gently sucked on her ear, taking a small nip at the flesh. "How about we stop talking about my Mom right now?" he murmurs. She can't help but let out a low groan as he presses against her, her mouth opening slightly as pants escape past her lips.

All she can do is hum in response.

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**I know I haven't gotten to the review replies yet, but I figured you'd all like a new chapter a bit more. Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read.**

**N**


	13. Chapter 12

"_**Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen child. Anything can be." –Shel Silverstein**_

There's all these alarm bells going off inside her head and a kind of panic building up in her chest. The siren wails through the hospital and she pokes her head out the door, watching the thick blankets of snow tumble to the ground through the large picture windows lining the wall.

"They're calling a code gray," her Daddy mumbles his eyes scanning over the empty hallway. "The weatherman says the weather is going to get really nasty so they're sending home everyone who doesn't have to be here."

For a moment, Rachel finds herself thinking of Noah out driving the streets in his truck as the snow tumbles down around him. She hopes that he's smart enough to know that he needs to head home but he's also hardheaded and figuring his four wheel drive will be enough. She doesn't want him to risk it. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts she looks back at her Daddy seeing the worry lining his face.

"Looks like we're going to be here for awhile," he runs his fingers through his hair with a sigh and pulls out his cell phone, head shaking. "I'm going to give your Dad a call and let him know so that he doesn't worry about us." She pulls out her own phone her fingers moving quickly and efficiently over the keys.

_Stuck at the hospital until this all blows over. Get home safely for me. Please. –RB_

The TV in the corner flickers and then fills with static, the sound echoing through the room. Her Daddy reaches up and flicks it off, a frown lining his face. "At least we have music," he mumbled with a shake of his head. Rachel listened for a moment to the Christmas music playing softly through the speaker system and nodded her head.

"Might as well get some work done," she shrugs as she looks at the stacks of folders and forms that need to be charted. "I'm going to tidy up a bit."

"I'm going to go dictate a few things before the system goes down," her Daddy replies with a small smile, "no sense in being unproductive since we're stuck here anyways."

She's just beginning to sort a stack of paperwork when her phone buzzes to life in her pocket. The text is short, but it still makes her smile.

_I'm safe. Stop worrying. – NP_

##

The snow drifted softly to the ground as the young girl trudged through the slick streets towards her destination. The biting chill of the wind cut through her thin clothes and forced her to pull the bundle in her arms tighter to her chest. She listened to the small whimper and fought back her own tears, pushing forward.

"Shhh," she whispered as the cold air burned her throat and lungs, "we're almost there."

Growing up she never imagined her life would end up like this, never imagined the cruelty and pain and fear and loneliness. Then again, there are so many things they don't tell you as a little girl. They don't tell you that life is nothing like the books that were read to you as a child; there is no prince charming, no happily ever after. They also don't tell you that people only look out for themselves; the world is far much more cruel and unkind than is even fathomable to imagine.

She was wiser now, though. And she knew it all.

The tall building loomed in front of her, the final destination for the bundle in her arms. She stopped just a short block away, her eyes stinging from the cold and looked down at the pink blanket letting her tears fall and freeze to her cheeks.

"I know that this may be hard to understand," her words caught in her throat and she choked back her emotion. "But I pray that one day you will." She laid a gentle kiss against the cloth, her face snuggling into the tiny ball of warmth before she trekked the last block.

The electronic doors swung open and she was hit with a burst of heat that made her face sting and her eyes water. Taking a deep breath and willing back the tears, she stepped inside. The lobby was filled with people bustling about their day. A small desk to her left offered pamphlets and information. Another offered directions.

She bypassed them all, making her way to the right walking past the coffee shop and gift shop before stopping in front of an open office door. A young girl sat at the desk, shuffling paperwork as she hummed along to the festive music. Her heart lurched in her chest as she looked at the sign next to the door.

_Dr. Elijah Berry – Pediatrician._

She walked into the office and up to the desk, feeling her stomach drop as the girl set her paperwork aside and smiled at her kindly.

"Hello, may I help you?" the girl questioned.

Her nametag stood out against the brightness of her childlike top, the black letters etched into the white sticker. "Yes, Rachel," she replied softly, "I think you can."

She lifted up the pink bundle, her heart breaking in her chest. She held her small baby girl out, placing the pink bundle into Rachel's arms. She fought back the tears and the overwhelming sense of dread as the young secretary looked on with confusion on her face.

"Tell her I'm sorry and that I love her," she whispered as she took one last long look at the swaddled baby.

And then, she ran.

##

The bundle squirmed in Rachel's grasp, the tiny baby's arms and legs flailing as it let out a loud wail. Her heart pounded in her chest and ears, her hands shook as she lifted the tiny blanket up her eyes looking down into a small pair of blue ones staring right back at her.

"Hello there," she whispered, her voice breaking on the words. "It's going to be alright." Rocking softly, Rachel felt the tears flood her eyes and a small sniffle escape her lips. "You're going to be alright." Holding the small girl carefully, Rachel made her way back towards her Dad's office. His door was cracked open and she could see him mumbling into the phone, his hands shuffling the pages of paper on his desk.

"Daddy," she tapped slightly at the door with her foot, pushing it open and stepping into the room. He looked up from his paperwork, his brow furrowing at the look on his daughters face and the bundle she had wrapped up in her arms.

"Someone braved the weather to keep their appointment?" he questioned. Hopping out of his chair and walking around his desk, he looked at his daughter with confusion lining his features. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

"She just," her voice broke and another tear slipped down her cheek, "she walked in and just handed her to me." The baby in her arms let out a small wail, her face scrunching in anger. "I think she's hungry." Rachel murmured. "Do we have any formula I can mix up for her?"

"You need to explain what's going on," he reiterated, "what did the woman say? What did she look like?"

"There was so much desperation and longing in her voice. She sounded so hopeless, Daddy, so sad." Grasping a few of the little girl's tiny fingers, Rachel sighed softly. "She said she loved her and that she was sorry. Before I really knew what was happening she turned around and ran away."

"This hospital is a Safe Haven, honey." Her father tried to soothe her softly, "Someone can bring in their child and hand them over to a worker no questions asked. We need to call security and the nursery," he prodded, "they'll take her upstairs and run some tests on her."

"No," Rachel cried, "she's fine. She's just upset and hungry. What she needs is a bottle." There was sadness in her Daddy's eyes as he looked at her and shook his head.

"It's hospital protocol Rachel. It's part of my job and I have to do it. We don't know if there's anything wrong with her; she could be sick, could be suffering from drug withdrawal. Until we run some tests we won't know and she won't be safe."

"But she's so tiny," her voice was so quiet he had to strain to hear it, "so fragile and she's all alone in the world."

"Only for a short time," he promised, "social services will find her a nice family to love and care for her. She won't be alone forever." Picking up his phone he watched his daughters face crumble. Turning his back to her he shook his head sadly, hearing the sniffling that echoed through the room.

"Please, Daddy," she whispered as he hung up the phone. The siren wailed through the air around them, calling out for a code purple to the pediatric clinic. Turning back to his crumbling child he watched as she rocked the small baby in her arms. "It's going to be alright," she promised, "you're going to be alright."

##

Rachel stood pacing back and forth in the waiting room, her eyes constantly jerking upwards to look at the door across the hall. She could hear a loud wail echo from the room and clenched her eyes tight in anguish.

"I really think this is unnecessary," she grumbled as her hand tugged on the ends of her hair nervously. When the door finally opened she made her way quickly in the room and picked up the small girl cooing and shushing her.

"Dr. Berry," one of the nurses called to her Daddy and she watched the two of them talk quietly for a moment before someone placed their hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

"She's calm for you," a resident replied with a small smile on her face, "that's a good sign. It means that she trusts you."

"I was the one her mother handed her to," Rachel replied as she rocked the girl back and forth. "I just keep thinking how terrifying this whole thing has to be for her; all these new sounds, new people, getting poked and prodded."

"As long as you're with her, I'm sure she's in good hands." The doctor patted her arm one more time and then the room was empty except for her and the small child.

"You're safe with me," she cooed, her hands playing with the small tuff of blonde hair on the girls head. "I won't let anything bad happen to you."

A throat cleared behind her and Rachel turned to find her Dad watching her, concern and something else lining his features. "The snow let up, so we should probably get going. I know your Dad is worried about the two of us."

Rachel looked down at the small girl in her arms and then back up at her Daddy. "But then who's staying here with her?" She questioned, her voice filled with panic.

"That's what the nurses are for, honey." Her Daddy paused for a moment, his eyes sad as he looked at the two of them. "I know what you are thinking, Rachel, I can read it all over your face."

"I just need to make sure she's alright," she whispered, "I just need for her to be safe."

"She's at the hospital; it's the safest place for her."

"Why don't you head home," she replied, "I'm just going to sit with her for just a little longer, just until she falls asleep. I'll practically be right behind you."

"Baby," her Daddy replies, shutting the door behind him so that the two of them were cut off from the rest of the hospital, "Don't do this. The less attached you get, the better. I can't watch you spiral out of control again and I can't let you put yourself through this because I know how it's going to end."

"I'm not leaving her," Rachel replied forcefully, "not just yet."

"And when will you be ready?" he replied, "When she falls asleep? When the doctor's give her the okay? When social services pick her up? When a new family adopts her?" The words hung in the air around them and Rachel looked up at him, tears dripping down her face.

"I don't know," she whispered, "but I'm not ready yet."

* * *

**I'm sorry it took me so long to get this up. I fought with my muse the whole time I was writing this (and deleted more than I care to admit). Thanks to the loyal readers and reviewers, you all make me smile.**

**If you haven't checked it out yet… I posted a new one-shot entitled The Safe Choice. I'm kind of in love with the family in the story; let me know what you think.**

**I also posted a few quick looks at other stories I'm working on or playing around with on my LJ page. The link to it can be found in my profile. One of these will probably be what I work on after Safe Haven.**

**N**


	14. Chapter 13

**A quick A/N before you read- There's a bit of material at the end of this chapter that I feel is a bit too mature for the T rating. However I didn't want to change the rating of the whole story because of one small section. Therefore if you're uncomfortable with (or not old enough) to read, then please stop when Rachel crawls into Noah's bed. I'd be more than happy to summarize if you PM me.**

* * *

"_**Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." – Peter Ustinov**_

It only takes a few hours for Noah to show up at the hospital and come barging into the room. There's something in the way he looks at her and the baby in her arms that tells Rachel that this isn't going to be an easy conversation.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he questions. His arm reaches behind him to shove the door closed, the sound echoing through the room. "I just got a call from your Daddy telling me that I needed to come talk some sense into you."

Her skin bristles at the words and she rocks the little girl back and forth for a moment, her frown prominent on her face. "I'm not sure why he was concerned, Noah, or why he felt the need to concern you. I promise you there is nothing untoward going on here and I really don't appreciate the attitude you are giving me right now."

"Don't even fucking try to deflect away from what we were talking about." He scrubs his hands along his face, his fingers digging into the skin near his temples. A small sigh escapes past his lips and she watches as he pulls out a stool, his body dropping down onto it. "Your Dads are obviously worried about you which makes me worried about you." He looks tired, his eyes scanning over the two of them with concern.

"Why don't you let the nurses watch her for the rest of the night and you can come back and visit in the morning." His voice is pleading and she knows without a doubt that her Daddy has said more to him than he's letting on. She hates feeling like a child, hates feeling like they are talking behind her back. It kind of pisses her off. "She's already asleep for the night and the only time she'll wake up is for feedings or to get changed."

"I'm not leaving her, Noah." The words are resolute, leaving no room for his input.

"Rachel," he replies, his voice deep and growly, "I'm not asking." She lets out a small chuckle, her eyes rolling at his dramatics. It isn't until she looks up at him and sees the sadness in his eyes that she realizes he's not joking. "Your Dads are waiting in the lobby and if you don't leave willingly they are going to call security to escort you off the premises."

"How could you do this to me?" she questions him, the venom in her voice cutting through the air. "I'm just worried about her and I want her to be safe, Noah. I figured out of everyone, _you _would understand that. Then again," she pauses for a moment to swallow her anger, "you gave up your child with no questions asked so an abandoned baby is nothing new to you." The minute the words leave her lips she wishes she could take them back and for a moment neither of them moves, breathes.

It's then that she hears the hitch in his voice and sees the way his shoulders crumble. She sets the baby in the small plastic crib next to her and moves closer to him, her hand trembling as she reaches out to touch him. His fists are clenched at his sides and she pauses halfway across the room. "Noah," she murmurs. Her voice is quiet but over the silence in the room it sounds loud. His head shakes back and forth and she pauses waiting for the yelling and the swearing that she knows are his coping techniques.

"If you leave now," he whispers, "I'll pretend that you didn't just say that." He looks up at her, his eyes filled with unshed tears and some other emotion she can't quite name. "Just walk away from this room and don't look back and I promise it will be like you never said the words." She feels her heart start to crumble in her chest and she looks back at the crib, sadness filling her.

"I can't just leave her."

"And I can't watch you self-destruct again." The door opens behind her and she turns around to look at her two Dads and the two bodyguards with them. "I'm sorry," Noah replies sadly, "I gave you the choice." Her Dad moves to stand beside Noah, hand resting against his shoulder.

She only looks back once, her eyes darting from the crib to the man crumbling beside it.

##

For the first day she's so angry she refuses to talk to anyone. It's easier to pretend then to deal with the hurt and betrayal. Her Dads stay out of her way for the most part, occasionally popping their head into her room to make sure she's alive or to set a bottle of water and some sort of food on the edge of her desk. She keeps her phone next to her on the bed, her eyes lingering on the screen each time it lights up.

The name is never the one that she wants to see.

On the second day she waits until her Dad and Daddy have both left for work before she leaves her room. The house is quiet and it feels like it's pressing down on her, suffocating her slowly. The first person she calls is Kurt and he doesn't pick up his phone, so then she calls Finn. He leaves the front door unlocked for her and she finds him sitting in his room, brow furrowed in concern as he waits for her.

Neither of them really says much of anything. It's pretty obvious that he knows something is going down; he doesn't turn on the TV or the radio but sits resting against his pillows silently watching her. It isn't until Kurt arrives that she lets the tears she's been fighting off tumble down her face.

"I think you need to talk to Puck about this," Kurt whispers a little while later, after she's calmed down a bit. "It's not my place to tell you this but he was here last night with Finn and it wasn't pretty." Finn's got this conflicted look on his face and she's pretty sure that Kurt shouldn't be telling her any of this. She kind of loves him for it, though.

Instead of going home and suffering through more silence, she spends the night in Kurt's room watching classic movies and musicals until they both pass out in his bed. Finn joins them again in the morning and she makes pancakes for the three of them. It's almost like nothing has changed and as nice as she thinks that would be, it would also be a lie.

##

The thing that bothers Rachel is that she knows how much she messed up. She was angry and she wanted to make Noah angry and it ended up backfiring on her in big way. It takes her most of the day to build up the courage she needs and then before she can really even think about it she finds herself standing in front of the Puckerman residence, hand knocking on the door. She's not really sure if he knows it's her and is ignoring her or if he doesn't hear her knocking. Either way she's not giving up now that she's made up her mind.

Rachel climbs over the wire fence blocking the Puckerman's backyard and grabs the hide-a-key box sitting on the porch. It was something Eva had told her about years ago and she's kind of surprised that in all that time it hasn't moved. She flips her shoes off, listening to the silence of the house, and checks the calendar on the fridge. Eva is working late, Noah's sister is staying a friends.

She's been in the house enough times to know her way around and she trudges her way up the stairs and down the hall to the last room on the left. It's quiet and the room is dark but she knows before she even shoves the door open that he's inside. He's laying on his bed, a pair of ear-buds shoved into his ears, and his eyes are closed. Rachel lets the door click closed behind her and makes her way over to his bed, hand resting on his arm.

"What're you doing here?" he mumbles. His voice is thick, grainy, and she knows without a doubt that he's hungover. He squints up at her through slits in his eyes, a sad sigh escaping his lips, before he pulls the headphones out.

"I wanted to see you," she replies softly, "to talk." He shifts to the side, making room for her to lie next to him but otherwise he doesn't say a word. The bed feels familiar, comfortable, and it reminds her of so many memories through the years that she's kind of taken back at the awkwardness surrounding them now.

"Let's hear it," he grumbles, his hand brushing against his tired looking face. He's wearing a façade in front of her and it hurts almost as much as she's sure she hurt him. "I thought you wanted to talk?" he growls, frustrated. "So talk."

"I'm not sure what to say to make it right," she replies sadly. "I'm not sure anything I say can undo what's already been said." He lets out a sort of huff, his head crashing against his pillow and his eyes clenching tight. She watches him for just a second, before the words tumble from her lips. "I wanted her so badly, Noah. As crazy as it sounds, I couldn't see beyond that."

His eyes crack open to look at her but he doesn't make a sound and for the first time in quite awhile she feels nervous around him, the words continuing to spill out. "It seemed like fate in a way, the mother just walking up to me and handing me the baby. She was so tiny and so helpless and I just felt this need to be there for her, to protect her." Tears trickle down her cheeks as she gasps for air, the pain and honesty of the words a new fresh wound.

The bed shifts and she's moved to the middle, his body hovering just over the top of hers. There's a flash of something in his eyes and across his face and before she can really react, he leans down and presses his lips against hers. It's a push and pull of lips and tongues, their bodies bending and pressing together. Her fingers tangle in the small patch of hair near the nape of his neck and a small whimper escapes his lips as he pulls away.

"Rachel," he whispers. His hands wrap around her wrists, tugging her hands away from his neck and over the top of her head. He presses down against her for just a moment before pulling back and holding her arms still. He moves his mouth over her lips, her eyes, her cheeks, and then her neck and ears. "How do you think it felt," he questions his body dipping into hers before pulling back. "Hearing those words out of your mouth?"

She lets out a small cry, her eyes clenching tight. "Horrible," she replies loudly. "I'm sure it felt horrible." Using one hand to hold her wrists, the other moved lower, snaking under her shirt his fingers running along the length of her stomach. Her whole body shivers and arches and he looks down at her, his face serious.

"I was trying to protect you," he continues, his nail dipping into her bellybutton before tracing the waistband of her skirt, "trying to help you." His hand stops for a second, his eyes closing as he looks down on her, "trying to be there for you." There's a hitch in his voice and she closes her eyes, listening to the sound of his ragged breathing.

"Noah," the word tumbles from her lips and her body trembles as the tears streak down her face. Instead of responding, his hand moves lower, his fingers shoving her underwear aside. He presses against her for just a moment, before entering her quickly. A grunt escapes past his lips.

"Do you think," his eyes are clenched tight, jaw strained and he halts his movements as he continues to talk, "this would feel any better if we could make a kid?" He pulls back slightly before plunging back in as if to emphasize his point. Her labored breathing matches his and she flexes her wrists for just a moment testing his hold. He lets more of his weight press down onto her and she can feel his heart beating against her skin. Before she can answer he continues.

"It would feel exactly the fucking same, Rachel. It would be just as fucking good. Just as magical," a small cry escapes her lips and she opens her eyes, the intensity of his gaze burning through her. "Do you understand yet?"

A tear falls down his cheek and splashes against her face and she finds that she can't take her eyes away from him as his forehead presses against hers. "I don't fucking care that you can't have kids or that you're crazier than a fucking loony. I knew all of that before I even got involved with you, Rach. What I care about is you and me, us, together."

"I love you." The words tumble from her lips and she thinks she's never meant them more in her life.

"I know," he replies seriously, "and I love you too. That's why I can forgive you."

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**I hope you know that you guy's are pretty awesome. I'm planning to get to the review replies tonight or tomorrow with (hopefully) some new insights. Until then, thanks as always!**

**N**


	15. Chapter 14

"**When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are." –Joss Whedon**

Rachel wakes up the next morning, wrapped in Noah's arms, and she knows that while everything has changed once again that this time it's for the better. She grabs one of Noah's t-shirts and tugs it over her head before trekking softly down the stairs. Eva is sitting at the kitchen counter, the newspaper spread out in front of her, when Rachel enters the room. It's not nearly as awkward as she thought it would be and she finds some comfort in that.

She sips on her cup of coffee, eyes focused on the window above the sink, and can't help but wonder about the small girl she had left behind the other day. Very few times in her life has she ever broken a promise (to herself or to others) and she isn't going to start now. Throwing back the last few bitter drinks, Rachel smiles softly at Eva and makes her way back up the stairs.

The conversation that is going to happen isn't going to be pretty. But it's something she needs to do, if not for the girl, than for herself.

Noah's body is tangled in the sheets, his arm gripping his pillow, and she watches him sleep for a few minutes before running her finger along his chest and whispering his name softly. It takes a few times for him to wake up and even then, he glances at her through small slits in his eyes.

"I need to go back one last time," she whispers. His eyes open wider to really look at her and she runs her hand through her hair pushing it back. "I promise there will be no dramatics, no proclamations of keeping the baby." She rolls her eyes slightly as she holds up three fingers in a salute she was taught years ago. "I just want a chance to say goodbye; one that was taken from me yesterday."

It's a sound rationale and she knows it. She also knows that she could have just gone behind his back and done whatever she wanted to; she's not that girl anymore, though. He lets out a loud groan, his eyes closing and then reopening. "You're not going by yourself," he challenges. His voice is gruff, filled with sleep and she finds herself nodding, a loud squeal escaping her lips. Noah smiles and shakes his head tiredly, his arms pulling her back into him.

"It's still too early anyways," he grumbles (she can hear the smile in his tone). "Go back to bed."

"I just had a huge cup of coffee, though." His eyes shoot open to look down at her, settling on the t-shirt covering her body and he lets out a loud groan.

"My Mom saw you in that?" he questions softly.

"She didn't seem to mind," Rachel answers, her fingers running along the bare skin of his back. He lets out a small hum of contentment, his eyes drooping as he smiles softly at her.

"I'm sure she didn't."

##

The room is brightly decorated, an African safari theme, and the nurse looks at her for just a moment in acknowledgement before leaving the two of them alone. She picks up the tiny little girl and sets in the rocker, gently swaying the baby back and forth. It's quiet and she can faintly hear Noah's voice in the hallway talking to someone and the sound of the phone ringing down the hall. In a way it's almost peaceful.

She finds it hard to talk, though, to explain everything to someone who will never remember her. Instead she finds herself humming softly, the sound soothing her nerves. She finishes the song gently, letting the last few notes linger in the air. "There's someone out there that is going to love you _so_ much," her voice breaks as she whispers the words, "even more than I do now." Tiny fingers clench hers and she feels the tears welling in her eyes. "I promise."

Noah pokes his head in the door a few minutes later, his features soft as he watches her with the small little girl. It's her cue that it's time to go. She looks down one last time and feels a small tear drop down her cheek. "Goodbye little one," she whispers, "live a good life." Rachel presses her lips against the baby's head once, her eyes lingering on the small figure in the crib as she pulls the door closed.

"Someday, baby," Noah whispers, his fingers tangling with hers. She can hear the promise in his voice and right now it's all she needs.

##

There are only a few days left of winter break when Finn and Kurt invite her over for a family dinner. Noah seems kind of annoyed by it and she's not really sure if it's because he didn't get invited or if he's still being supper protective but she finds it kind of adorable. It isn't until she's getting ready to leave, and he's lying on her bed sulking, that she gives in and texts Kurt.

_Noah's coming with me- RB_

She assumes it's alright and tells Noah as much when he looks at her in surprise. Burt and Carol invited her over and she's choosing to bring her boyfriend with, they can't fault her for it. He pretty much pounces on her when she tells him so and they end up being a few minutes late. Kurt answers the door, takes one look at the two of them, and gives her a knowing look. Noah lets out a loud laugh that has her giggling and holding her belly and Kurt just shakes his head at the two of them in amusement.

It's perfect in so many ways.

Carol is in the kitchen cooking and Burt and Finn are in the living room, eyes glued to some game. Noah pecks her on her forehead and goes to join the boys while she and Kurt set the table. She's missed having Kurt be such a huge part of her life and as they gossip and chat over the dinnerware she tells him as much. Something's changed within her and she knows now how much her relationships mean to her.

"Can I just say that I called you and Puck being together back in high school?" Kurt mumbles, "I never really said much because of the whole Finn thing but you guys complement each other really well."

"He's everything I ever wanted," Rachel replied softly, "everything I know I need."

Dinner is awkward at first. She can feel the looks Finn keeps shooting between her and Noah, Kurt keeps changing the subject on Burt, and Carol just looks kind of confused. Noah's sitting next to her and she can feel his leg bouncing up and down under the table. It's kind of distracting and it takes her almost a whole minute to realize that Carol said something to her and that everyone at the table is looking at her and she doesn't really know why.

"I'm sorry?" she murmurs, with a self-conscious smile. Noah's leg twitches again and she drops her hand down to his knee, gripping it to halt the movement. "You were saying Carol?"

"There was something on the news the other night about a baby being dropped off at the hospital and I just wondered if you had heard anything from your father about it?" It's a completely innocent question and she knows that, but it still stings. Noah's leg tenses under the table and she swears she can feel her heart thrumming in her throat.

"The baby is healthy," she mumbles, "she's just waiting for a nice family to pick her." Noah's arm wraps around her chair protectively and she looks at him, smiling sadly, before digging back into her salad. For some reason, just having him understand is enough.

When dinner's over the guys go into the lounge to set up some board game and she helps Carol clean off the table and do the dishes. It's something Rachel's done so many times before but it feels different this time. She takes the thick terry-cloth dishtowel and runs it over the bowl her mind replaying some of her favorite moments in that very kitchen.

"He's good with you." There's a soft smile on Carol's face and Rachel can't help but smile in return even if she is slightly confused. "I'm talking about Noah, Rachel." She can feel the blush flooding her cheeks and Carol shoots her a knowing glance.

"It just kind of happened," Rachel whispered, a small laugh escaping her lips. "One minute he's my best friend and then it was like something changed." She sets the bowl down on the counter with a sigh, her hand brushing her hair back from her face. "He's always been there for me when I needed him and I can rely on him and trust his judgment."

"You love him," Carol murmurs.

"I do."

The hug Carol gives her isn't completely unexpected but it still takes her by surprise. When she pulls back there are tears in both of their eyes and for a moment neither of them says anything. Then Carol speaks. "I just want you to know how sorry I am for everything and I do mean _everything_."

"I know," Rachel whispers in response, "and thank you."

##

By the time she and Noah get back to her house it's late. There's a small light on in the entryway, but the house is still and silent. There are a few empty cardboard boxes sitting in the living room and Rachel thinks about all of them leaving their house for good with a bit of sadness. She has so many memories of her family in the house that it's almost impossible to think of someone else living there.

Noah breaks her out of her revere with a sad sigh. "I should probably get going home," he mumbles. His hand rakes across the back of his neck and she watches him silently storing the moment.

"No, stay." She whispers, "Stay with me please?" She knows her parents are home and while they wouldn't be thrilled with her having sleepovers, it's Noah so they _probably_ wouldn't care.

"Your Dads," he shrugs his shoulders and she nods her head in understanding.

"Are sleeping and I want you here with me." He looks up at the ceiling for a moment before tugging his jacket off and throwing it over the edge of the couch. She's tired and as much as she would love to sit up and talk all she really wants to do is curl up in bed and go to sleep. She tangles their hands together and slowly leads him up the stairs and into her room, letting the door click closed behind her.

"I love you," she whispers, her hand reaching up to wrap around his neck, fingers tangling in the small tuft of hair that lie at the base. He lets his head rest against her shoulder for a moment, his face nuzzling her neck. "I don't know how I would have made it through this week without you and I needed you to know."

She listens to the sound of their breathing and smiles as she feels the small press of his lips against the underside of her chin. "I love you too," he murmurs gently, "so fucking much." He presses his lips to hers just once and then pulls back, smiling at her softly. "Let's get to bed, baby."

* * *

**Sadly we're nearing the end... I'm thinking maybe a chapter and then an epilogue left. Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read and stick with me on this one. You're amazing!**

**I posted a prom one-shot entitled Broken into Pieces... if you haven't checked it out yet, please do. It's a little slice of Puckleberry goodness.**

**I've posted a few snippits of what I'm thinking about working on next on my LJ account (link in profile) but I'm interested in which one you guys would root for being next- a few people commented that they don't have LJ account so I've enabled annon. comments so anyone can comment (even if you don't have an LJ account).**

**N**


	16. Chapter 15

"_**For my part I know noting with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream." – Vincent Van Gogh**_

Every free moment Rachel has in the next few days is either spent packing up her old bedroom or hanging out with Noah and the rest of the Glee gang that still remain in Lima. It's hard for her to imagine saying goodbye to a place that's always been home, but each day it gets closer and closer. Instead of worrying or fretting over the new owners, she jots down her favorite memories in a small journal filled with song lyrics and thoughts. It's something she'll keep forever, a simple reminder of the life she had here.

It's cathartic in a way, letting it all go.

On her last night in Lima, she and Noah meet both of her fathers at Breadsticks and the four of them spend the night chatting over bowls of pasta. It's comfortable, familiar, and she can't help the swelling in her chest or the throbbing in her heart. In the past few weeks, Noah had ingrained himself into their lives and she loved how normal the whole thing seemed; how right.

Her walls are bare and there are a few boxes lining the baseboard when she plops down on her bed with a sigh. Noah stands in the doorway for a moment, eyes skimming over the empty room before settling on her with a sad smile. "It looks so different," he mutters, his hand skimming over the crown of his head. "There are so many memories in here."

She nods her head, understanding all too well, and then leans her head back to rest against her pillow. She looks up at the glow and the dark stars lining the ceiling and feels a small pang of nostalgia. "You know I made my Dad and Daddy place those in actual constellations." A small laugh escapes from her lips and she feels a lone tear drop down her cheek. "They had a star map and everything all sprawled out on the floor so that they got it right."

The bed shifts next to her and she can hear his hearty laugh, even as he moves beside her. "What's that one?" he asks pointing up to a small smattering just over the middle of her bed.

"That's Andromeda," she whispers. "It's a beautiful story about love and redemption, greed and nepotism." Her finger moves in a line, down across to the other side of her room. "That's Perseus, her husband and lover. He saved her from death and they lived a very happy life together as husband and wife."

"You're a totally nerd," he murmurs, "You know that right?" His tone is teasing, light, but she can read the admiration and awe in it too. She hums in response, eyes settling on the fake stars above her one last time. "I wonder if your Dads kept that map?"

##

The dorm is packed with people tugging on their suitcases, arms filled with bags. Rachel presses the up arrow on the elevator and smiles at a few people from her floor as they all stand and wait. Classes are due to start in just a few short days and in just a few weeks her Fathers would officially be New York residents. Life was getting back to normal, albeit with a few small changes.

The elevator let out a loud ding, the doors opening and people filling out. There's a shuffle of movement as those waiting load onto the cart and then she stands in silence and listens to the chatter around her. Noah was supposed to be calling her later that night after settling back into his own apartment on the other side of town and she would be heading over there for dinner.

There is a loud ruckus emanating from her room and she pauses for just a moment before pushing the door open. Both of her roommates are sitting on the floor in the study area, margaritas in hand and they cheer loudly when they see her.

"You're back." Lexi squeals, slopping tequila over the rim of her glass as she sets it down and hops up, "And you look SO much better." Rachel's not really sure what to take from that so she smiles and shrugs, hugging the girl briefly before tugging her bags behind her to throw near her bed. She throws a quick wave back to Kasey and then plops down on the twin cot, eyes clenched tight. It only takes a few minutes for her phone to ring and she looks down at the words a smile lighting up her face.

_Miss me yet? –NP_

_I've got two drunken roomies to keep me entertained- RB_

She types her reply with a small chuckle and sets her phone down tugging her pillow out from one of her bags and laying it on her bed. It smells a little bit like Noah and a little bit like her perfume and she pushes her nose in breathing the scent. She can't help the sigh.

_And yes, I kind of miss you. –RB_

It's completely cheesy and probably over the top but as hard as she tries to care, she just doesn't. There's something about being honest with herself (and with him) and knowing that she's getting honesty in return that makes their relationship special. She knows he's not going to lie to her and she gives him that same courtesy in return. Oddly it works.

_Good. –NP_

She reads the words with amusement and can't help but shake her head in response. Her roommates are blaring Katy Perry in the other room and she's pretty sure that their RA will be visiting them within the hour. With as many rules as they are breaking, it's probably a good thing the girl loves the three of them although she's still not quite sure why.

Instead of unpacking she makes her way back into their study area and picks up a glass, setting down next to the other two Indian style, she listens as they recount horror stories over their break. When it's finally her turn to talk the words tumble from her lips and she tells them all about Finn and Noah and everything in between. It's something they need to know and as much as she needed to hide it from them, she can't any longer.

It's a part of her now.

##

Classes start on a Tuesday and its chilly and snowy outside. Rachel treks the two blocks from her dorm to campus bundled up and scowling against the wind blowing against her. It becomes clear pretty quickly that she bit off quite a chunk for her last semester. Most of her week is tied up with doing homework, studying lines, and practicing for upcoming auditions. Her first few weekends are spent with Noah, the two of them hanging around her apartment relaxing and just hanging out. It's exactly what she needs after the stress of the week.

The third weekend back her Dads move. She and Noah meet them just outside their new home and help the movers carry and place all of their stuff. When it's time to decorate her bedroom, she looks at the chocolate brown walls and feels a small pang for the bright yellow that had become familiarity. She loves the color, as much as she wants to deny it, and the room has a ton more space. She knows it will be a nice getaway from both her dorm and Noah's place when she needs it but she can't help but think about her room back home one last time.

Halfway through unpacking her roommate calls her because she's locked herself out. Rachel leaves Noah with her fathers and makes the trek halfway across town to let her back in. It's getting late and her room is basically done anyways so she sends a quick text Noah's way and spends the night watching chick flicks with a few of the other girls on her floor.

It's a week before she makes it back to their new home and she spends the whole night in the living room just hanging out with her fathers. Spending all the time with them over Winter break helped her to realize just how much she missed having them around. They stay up late just talking and hanging out and instead of trekking all the way back to her dorm, she decides to crash in her room. One of Noah's old shirts is folded in her drawer and she pulls it over her bare skin and climbs into bed, flicking off the lights and grabbing her phone.

Something shines out of the corner of her eye and she turns around and looks up at the stars glowing above her bed in a familiar pattern. The only difference, she notes, is the placement of Andromeda and Perseus now next to each other. She tugs her bedroom door open and walks down the hall, finding her Daddy sitting in his study reading a book.

"It was Noah's idea," he tells her. "He thought it would make it more like home for you."

She picks up the phone and calls him, instead of texting. There are tears bristling at her eyelids and she feels silly for acting like a little kid but it means so much to her that she's almost overcome with her emotions. He picks up his phone after a few rings and he sounds tired and she briefly wonders if she woke him up.

"Rachel?" he questions.

"You have no idea how many brownie points you earned tonight," her voice is husky, grainy. She looks up at the constellations above her and closes her eyes, a small sigh escaping past her lips.

"Hmmm," his voice is deep and it rumbles through her system. She wants to tell him to come over, but she looks at her clock and realizes just how late it is. "I see you got my present."

"I did," she whispers, "It took my breath away." She lets her hand rest against the fabric of his shirt, her fingers playing with the silky material. "Let me give you a present in return." He lets out a low groan that she can't help but giggle at, her voice soft as she continues. "I'm wearing the shirt you left me."

He lets out a string of curses that she's pretty sure she should be blushing at, but isn't. He's rubbing off on her and she kind of loves it.

##

There's this hush-hush audition for a musical and the only reason she hears about it is because one of her TA's loves her. The two of them end up going together and standing in line with a ton of other girls as they wait their turn. She's got a few songs in her repertoire that she can pull out at a drop of a hat. She sings 'Don't Rain on My Parade' and pretty much gets an instant call-back. Her heart plummets just a little bit when her TA tells her that they told her thanks but no thanks.

The old her would have been all for speaking up for her talent but she knows how badly rejection hurts so she doesn't say anything about her call-back. She waits until she's in the comfort of her dorm room to call Noah and tell him. He's almost as excited as she is and just before he hangs up he tells her how fucking proud he is of her. It's almost _better_ than the call-back.

Rachel gets to the studio early the next morning (after sending her professor an email explaining where she is) and sets down in one of the plush chairs, eyes scanning the room. There are a lot of tall blonde girls (the exact opposite of her) and it makes her kind of nervous to know how much she doesn't look like the character. They get a script and learn a few dance moves and then get put on stage in front of a larger group of people.

Eliminations happen pretty quickly. She can hear the girls crying and throwing a fit as they walk off the stage and she shakes her head at the unprofessionalism of it all. It's down to her and a handful of other girls when the director comes on stage to meet them. She's the only brunette left in the group and her heart plummets as he looks at her and then asks her to sing. She picks up the script and belts out the lines, putting all of her heart into it. He doesn't say a word, just moves down the line. Her heart is beating in her chest and she's so nervous but this is the farthest she's ever gotten and there's a mixture of nerves and excitement building up inside of her.

It's down to her and one other girl when the director pulls her off the stage and into a back room, shutting the door behind them. "You're look isn't right for the part," he tells her. She's swallowing back the lump in her throat and trying to find the words to thank him when he continues speaking. "You'd be perfect for this other part though." She stands with her mouth open for a good minute before he continues, smiling at the shock on her face. "It's only a supporting role, but it's something. You've really got a beautiful voice, Rachel."

Her head bobs and she feels a stuttered thank you pass her lips. He hands her a copy of the script and tells her to get a manager and then he leaves the room. She's such a fucking hypocrite and she knows it because tears are tumbling down her face and she knows how unprofessional it is. As hard as she tries, though, she can't stop them.

There's a cab outside and she hops in, giving the driver Noah's address, as she selects a number off of her speed dial. Her Dad picks up on the first ring and she's laughing and crying so hard that she has to repeat it three times so that he's able to understand her. His voice gets nasally and she's almost positive that he's crying with her when the cab pulls to a stop in front of Noah's building. She lets her Dad go, promising to head over to their house later, and then treks up the three flights letting herself into Noah's place.

He's lying on the couch, half asleep, and he turns startled as she bursts through the door. The script is still clutched in her hands and tears are streaming down her face (she's sure she looks like a mess) but she doesn't care. "I didn't get the part," she replies, hiccups escaping past her lips. He looks devastated and moves to her quickly, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his embrace.

"It's their fucking loss," he tells her, "you are so fucking amazing and they don't know what they are giving up on." She looks up at him confused for just a moment before understanding exactly what she said to him.

"Noah," she replies pulling back slightly, "I didn't get the part I auditioned for."

"I know," he replies sadly, interrupting her. She lets out a loud huff, her hair blowing back and she sets her hands on his shoulders.

"Let me finish," she growls, tugging at his fingers around her waist in annoyance. "I wasn't right for the part I was auditioning for, but I was right for the role of her best friend. I got a supporting role, Noah!" He looks at her for a moment in shock before he picks her up, arms tightening as he twirled her.

"You're my fucking star, baby."

* * *

**Just an epilogue left. Are you as sad as I am to see this one go? Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read and review. I love hearing your thoughts so much! I've looked at the votes and most of them are for Even in the Darkness and Scars. If you haven't voted or sent me your oppinion yet, please do. I'm planning on putting a little snippit of my next story at the end of the epilogue so be looking for that!**

**N**


	17. Epilogue

**"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." –Maya Angelou**

It's warm outside, the air thick with humidity. Rachel tugs gently at the hem of her skirt and tries to ignore the wetness sticking to her skin, pressing down against her. "It's so fucking hot out," Noah mumbles, his hands pressing against his closed eyelids. She moves her hand to his, tugging his fingers away from his face and entwining them with hers. "No offense," he mutters, "but that's not fucking helping." He lets go of her hand with a grimace, his eyes meeting hers as he listens to her gentle sigh. "Who the fuck thought of watching a movie outdoors anyways?" he grumbles. "Air conditioning was invented for a reason, babe."

"Noah," she mumbles, her body shifting against the wool blanket lying on the ground, "stop complaining, please." She brushes her damp bangs away from her face, her eyes meeting his. "I didn't complain when you decided you wanted to spend all of your day in bed, so no complaining at my choice of activity. Please and thank you."

"That," he groans, "was a day for _both_ of us and you know it. Plus we both _enjoyed_ that day. This is just miserable." His hands wave through the air to the open grass around them and she looks around surprised to find the park nearly empty. "It's one of the hottest fucking days of the year, Rachel, and you picked all outdoor activities."

Rachel looked up at the big screen in front of them, the numbers flicking backwards from 10 and clenched her eyes tight. "This is one of my favorite movies and it only gets played in the park once a year. I've been waiting for this day for _months_. Please just watch." Reaching into the cooler next to her, she pulled out a large bottle of water and handed it to him silently, her eyes focused on the screen.

It's easy for her to become entranced, to be sucked in by the love story and the characters and forget about the world around her. She feels his subtle shifts beside her, the way the blanket ripples as he moves, and then feels his arms as they wrap around her and pull her back to rest against his chest. He's warm and it does little to help her sweating skin, but she rests her head against his shoulder and sighs. "Sorry," he murmurs as the couple dances across the screen, "this heats making me moody." She lets out a small laugh, her fingers curling through his and closes her eyes for just a moment.

"Now this, Noah," she sighs, "this is perfect."

##

There are a few boxes of her stuff lining the baseboard of their apartment, knick knacks that they're unsure of where to put, and a box full of stuffed animals that he's seriously contemplating hiding. The apartment is theirs now, and while it's not a new concept to share space with her, it feels exciting and new. He opens one of the boxes and pulls out a stuffed cat that looks eerily like Brittany's a wave of laughter bubbling past his lips.

"What's so funny?" she questions. He listens to the sound of her footsteps echoing across the wood floor and holds the cat up by the ear, eyebrow cocked. "Brittany gave that to me," she shrugs her shoulder failing to see the humor behind it, "I can't just throw it out." He's beginning to learn that she's sentimental and a bit of a pack-rat. He drops the cat back in the box with the others and runs his hand along his head in frustration.

"We're not putting these stuffed animals out, Rachel. There's no way." He thinks about what his friends would say with a shudder and looks up into her sad-doe eyes with a sigh. "How about a compromise?" he questions, his eyes scanning through the box with a mixture of amusement and incredibility. "Pick one to put in the bedroom, the rest are going in the closet." He expects her to throw a fit, or at least put up a bit of a fight, but she nods her head as she digs through the box.

Her fingers wrap around the leg of an animal and she pulls it out. He watches her for a moment as she holds it to her tightly, eyes tearing up and he kind of feels like a dick. There's only so much space in the apartment, though, and he's had to closet some of his favorite sports memorabilia. "I'm sorry," he tells her, surprised at the honesty of the words. She holds the stuffed animal out and he looks at the floppy ears and matted fir with a laugh. "This is the only one that matters, anyways," she tells him with a smile.

He gets this flash of her as a little girl carrying the elephant around and he can't help but smile in return. "I remember this one," he tells her honestly, "it was a gift from your grandmother right?" She clenches the animal closer, her head nodding in agreement, and he wraps his arms around her pulling her closer. "She would be so fucking proud of you," he murmurs, "and I think this was a great choice." When he heads to bed later that night, his eyes linger on the elephant sitting in her reading chair, and he finds himself smiling.

##

The week of her show opening she's so busy she barley sees Noah or her Dads. It isn't until late one night, when she's crawling into bed, that she realizes how much she's missed having the time to spend with them. She listens to the sounds of Noah's snores filling the room and sighs at the way her muscles ache with fatigue. The covers shift and she feels him pull her closer, hand wrapping around her waist, as his nose nuzzles her hair and she sighs.

"I've missed you," he murmurs. His voice is thick, filled with sleep, but the words are exactly what she needs.

"I've missed you too," she whispers. "After this week things will be less hectic." He hums his acknowledgement, eyes fluttering open to look down at her. Their fingers tangle together and he squeezes hers gently. She tries to think of what it would be like coming home to an empty apartment and as hard as she tries, all she can see is him. "I love you."

"Love you too." He replies softly. "Now go to sleep, you've got a long day tomorrow." She rests her head against his shoulder and lets her eyes close, a deep sigh escaping her lips. "Night," he murmurs. She listens to the sound of his steady breathing and lets it lull her to sleep.

##

They sell out opening night. She stands behind the curtain with a few of her coworkers and peeks out into the crowd, eyes settling first on her Dad and Daddy and then on Noah. There's a rush of adrenaline pumping through her system and she can feel her heart beating in her ears as she takes her place backstage and watches the curtain rise.

The show goes flawlessly and in so many ways it's all like a dream she doesn't want to wake up from. The director comes over and gives her a hug, telling her how magnificent she was, and all she can do is nod and smile. She walks out the back door with one of her costars, her eyes searching the small crowd for her family. She finds her Dad first, his hands clenched around a small bouquet of daisies. He wraps his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace, as he tells her how proud he is of her. By the time her Daddy hands her the tulips he picked out, she has tears streaming down her face. He clenches her tight for just a moment before handing her off to Noah.

He's wearing a dark grey suit with a black tie and he's holding a bouquet of sunflowers and roses. The whole thing just kind of takes her breath away and she launches herself at him, arms wrapping around his neck and lips meeting his. The flowers tumble to the ground and she can hear the laughter of the people around her, but for once she doesn't care. She pulls back to breathe, arms tightening around him and asks him the one thing she's been dying to all night. "Well?"

"Fucking amazing," he whispers, his fingers tangling in her hair, "and _so_ worth the sleepless nights without you." The tears tumble from her eyes as a laugh escapes her lips and she pulls his face down kissing him once more. She hears her Dad clear his throat and ignores him, smiling against Noah's lips as a laugh bubbles out of him.

"You'd think they'd get enough of that at home," her Dad teases and she can feel the blush spreading up her neck and across her cheeks. Noah pulls back in shock for just a moment, before he lets out a loud laugh, his hands loosening their hold against her. "Now how about that family dinner?" her Dad murmurs, avoiding the chastising gaze of his daughter and husband. "I'm starving," he shrugs his shoulders, smiling softly. "I should have taken Noah up on his offer of a snack before we left."

They fall in step together, the four of them, and it's never seemed clearer how right things are.

##

Noah finishes his degree in the fall. There's a ceremony at the college and she sits with their family, tears running down her face. She can hear her Dad and Daddy murmuring, the sound of his little sister shuffling, and the sound of his mother's tears, and yet all she can see is him. He walks across the stage, a small roll of paper in his hands, and his eyes meet hers and he smiles. She stands up and claps her hands, ignoring the irritated gazes of others and he lets out a small laugh, his head shaking in disbelief.

"Its tradition not to clap," her Daddy admonishes her. She watches Noah take his seat, his neck craning to meet her gaze. When he does, he winks.

"Fuck tradition," she replies, with a shrug of her shoulders. Eva laughs and murmurs something about being a bad influence but she doesn't really care so she smiles and shrugs her shoulders. Noah finds them in the stands shortly after the commencement is over. He hugs his Mom and his sister before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his embrace.

"You clapped," he sounds surprised and amused and she pulls back to look into his eyes, lips curling into a smile.

"I did," she whispers gleefully.

"Look at you breaking rules and shit," it's said teasingly, but she can see the pride on his face. He hands his mom the roll of paper (a fake diploma, she knows) before he pulls her closer, hands tangling in her hair. "You're such a rebel," he jibes, his lips meeting hers. She nods her head, fingers tugging at the skin of his neck briefly before he pulls away. "I'm such a bad influence on you," he groans.

##

There's this huge pet store a few blocks down from their apartment and sometimes she and Noah go there to look around at the cute baby animals. It's dangerous, for both of them, and they've contemplated leaving with an animal several times. There's one dog in particular, a small pug, that they've spent hours playing with and have both kind of fell in love with. It's pretty expensive, though, and they've been trying to save up money to go on a trip with a few of the other Gleeks.

She buys the dog for Noah's twenty third birthday with a bit of money she had tucked away in savings. The whole walk home, the dog licks at her face and sniffs the air around them, and she can't help but smile and laugh. It's sitting on the couch next to her, a black bow around its neck, when Noah arrives home. He picks her up, spins her around, and lays a huge kiss on her lips before plopping down next to the dog and holding him in the air.

"What should we name him?" he questions. His eyes are as big as saucers and he looks like a kid in a candy store. She can't help but laugh and shrug her shoulders, the smile on his face creating one on hers as well.

"Whatever you want," she tells him, "he's yours." He reaches over and grabs her hand, pulling her down on the couch next to him and pulling her against him, their lips meeting. It starts out hard but then turns tender and as his hand gently brushes the bangs from her face, he pulls back.

"Best fucking present ever," he growls. The dog lets out a small yip, its paws rubbing against Noah's thigh and she picks it up, setting it gently in her lap. The dog looks up at her with this adorable look on its face and she can't help cooing at it as she brushes her fingers across its ears. "Bentley," he murmurs after a minute, "we can call him Little B."

"It's perfect," she replies, letting her fingers brush against his soft fur. "I love it." She thinks about how they're like a family now and she can't help the way the tears tumble down her cheeks.

"You're perfect," he whispers, his eyes meeting hers, "I love you."

* * *

**And that's it (for now)... are you sad? happy? love it? hate it? Let me know ;)**

**So as a few of you know, I was supposed to be at the Glee concert tonight and I had planned on posting this tomorrow. Unfortunately, I woke up Monday morning with a bad case of Bronchitis and have basically been on bed rest since which hindered my concert plans. I'm kind of bummed (obviously) but also tired enough that I know I wouldn't have made it through the night. Still a bummer, though.**

**Here's a look at what I'm planning on posting next... Even in the Darkness. I'm hoping to have the prologue up sometime next week and go from there. If you haven't already be sure to add me to your author alert to get all of my updates.**

**#**

**Even in the darkness**

_**Just remember - when you think all is lost, the future remains. - Robert H. Goddard**_

It's not an easy thing, telling my story. There's no way to sugarcoat what happened to me, no way to quell the disbelief. The fact of the matter is, my life started the day I woke up in the emergency room. I can remember the numbing whiteness of the walls, the voices talking all around me. My body was sore, my head spinning, and I tasted blood.

An elderly nurse stood next to my head, gently brushing her fingers along my shoulder. Her dark grey hair was pulled back in a bun, her glasses low on her nose. I remember thinking how sad and kind her eyes looked as she leaned down over my face.

"Rachel?" she questioned softly. "Can you talk dear?"

I remember trying to clear my throat, trying to get rid of the metallic taste in my mouth. "I think so," I whispered, not a bit surprised at the raspy quality.

"My name is Janet," I felt her fingers gently brush across the skin. "Do you have any family?" I could feel the weight of my wedding ring on my finger and found myself nodding my head.

"A husband," I whispered feeling the strain on my throat.

She holds her pen poised above the clipboard in her hands. "What's the number we can call him at?"

I wrack my brain, trying to remember the phone number and then look up at the nurse with tears in my eyes. "I don't know." I whisper.

She holds up a New York driver's license in front of me. "This is your driver's license; we found it in your pocket. I'm not sure how to tell you this, Rachel." She clears her throat her eyes looking worriedly over my face. "We found you on the side of a county road just off the interstate. This," she motions to the hospital around us, "isn't New York. In fact, you're quite a bit of a ways away from New York."

I'm not sure if she can see the confusion on my face or if she just understands how much this all is to take in. "Where are we then?" I question, my voice is shaky and I sound like a scared child.

"Right now Rachel, you are in Texas."


End file.
